New TS fic - Jim/Blair
May. 11th, 2006 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
castalieThis is a warning for the TS people on my flist - I wouldn't want them to have a heart attack or something - but the following... is a Jim/Blair fic. Brand new. From me. Even more incredible yet, it's not set in the "Night" series, it's a whole brand new 'verse. Yes, it is possible for me to do that.
Title: Layers and Cells
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 4500+
Story Notes: Okay, so. This fic was originally written for - that is, that's when I was supposed to write it - the 100th challenge over at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sentinel_thurs and it was set in the same universe as the very first SenThur fic I wrote for the very first challenge, namely Too Much to Lose. It was all very symbolic, see? Turns out a bit differently since I actually wrote the new fic, what, nine months later? Yeah. But it's not the point, man, the point is... there is fic! Fic of the Jim/Blair persuasion. Also, spoilers for "Warriors".
Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
starwatcher307 for the wonderful beta, as usual *hugs*
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations - Anai Nin
*
The door of the loft opened brusquely and was slammed loud enough to show the displeasure of its occupants.
"You zoned." The voice was firm, obviously restrained. Neither man was at a point where they were engaged in a heated argument, but they were clearly on their way.
"Give me a break. I did not zone."
"Who exactly is the expert on this zone out factor again?" came the sarcastic reply.
"Good question, actually, ‘cause right now? I'm wondering."
Jim took a step forward and glared at Blair. "Read my lips, Chief," he said tightly. "You fucking zoned."
The two men stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other to concede the point.
In the end, although Blair was as stubborn himself, when he pushed a strand of hair behind an ear with that look on his face, Jim knew he'd won this round, even without having shared a word between them. From the look of it, Blair's analytical mind was already processing what he'd been told repeatedly since they'd left the precinct. Now, Jim wasn't stupid, nor was he naïve. He knew perfectly well that winning a round didn't equal winning the whole game, much less when one Blair Sandburg was involved, but if he was at least willing to listen, it was a step in the right direction.
"So I zoned," Blair said noncommittally, leaning against the back of the couch.
Jim showed a lot of restraint and didn't growl in frustration; he didn't even roll his eyes. He followed Blair's lead and went for casual too. "Oh I don't know, what have I been telling you for, what, the past two damn hours?"
"What if we dropped the sarcasm and went straight to the point?"
Jim was coming close to the critical point. He didn't like to repeat himself and Blair had been trying his patience for - yes, two long hours - and, if he were honest with himself, he'd been damn worried, as well. Stubborn son of a bitch didn't want to see the truth. And that was pretty ironic. Damn annoying too, and the annoying part was getting to Jim. Big time.
His eyes narrowed dangerously. He took a step closer to Blair and loomed over him, using their height difference to try and make Blair cede. "What if you didn't piss me off more than I already am and cut the crap?"
But of course, that kind of macho attitude had near to zero effect on the other man. Blair just craned his neck a bit and showed Jim how intimidated he was. Or wasn't, in this particular case. "I'm shaking in fear, Ellison. Please keep going, I think I'm ready to break down."
Jim rolled his eyes this time and drew a short breath. Strangling your partner wasn't the politically correct thing to do, he reminded himself. Even if you knew the perfect place to hide the body so that no one would ever find it. So he just glared some more and went to the kitchen to take a beer out of the fridge. He sipped at it slowly, never taking his eyes off the other man.
Blair tried to ignore the look that was currently piercing him but Jim had a knack at unnerving him with, well, just a look. He had no intention of letting it show, of course; he knew how much Jim would gloat if he ever realized the effect he had. Except... except maybe Jim already knew, him being a sentinel and all. Blair couldn't control his heartbeat all the time, could he? Nor he could control his scent or other telltale signs 24/7, either. It was Blair's turn to narrow his eyes at his companion and he contemplated him suspiciously for a moment. Then he shook his head and chastised himself. He was digressing. Better come back to the problem at hand, or Jim would sulk all evening.
"Alright. For conversation's sake, and for all those times when I asked you to listen to me, I'm going to show you how it's actually done. So, I'll sit," which he did, "and I'll listen carefully." He stopped talking and made himself comfortable on the couch, putting his feet on the coffee table. He looked at Jim questioningly and waited. To be honest, he had to admit he was curious as to what Jim thought had happened.
Jim took his beer with him and came to Blair's side. He sat down and, without a word, shoved the offending feet off the coffee table. Blair rolled his eyes but kept silent as well. Then he jerked his head toward the beer.
"What's with the selfish act, man? What about my beer?" He reached a hand toward the bottle.
"Keep your hands to yourself, Sandburg. You never want a beer right after we're home, so don't play the martyr card, it's not working."
"You think you know me by heart, that's your problem."
"I don't think I know you by heart, Chief. I know so. I know you inside out." And even if he'd wanted to, Jim wasn't sure he could have kept the leer off his face when he said this.
The little exchange had the expected result though; it relaxed both of them.
"So, Jim. Go ahead, I'm listening. Oh, and watch and learn, will you?" Blair said with a flourish.
"You're too kind," Jim mocked. "And for the record, I always listen to you."
Blair chuckled at that. "Well, maybe you do," he admitted. "Kicking and screaming. Oh and bitching and whining too."
"Give me a break. And we're not talking about me, anyway, are we? So shut up and start listening, since you're obviously so good at it. "
Blair bowed mockingly and avoided Jim's cuff aimed at him with a move that spoke of long practice.
Jim shook his head at his lover's antics, then grew serious. "You freaked me out, babe, pure and simple."
That gained Jim of all Blair's attention at once, which had been the whole point of the uncharacteristic admission. Usually getting Jim to reveal his fears was like pulling teeth - and he could admit it himself. So he'd deliberately chosen a direct approach to show he meant business, hoping Blair would get the message.
Which, from the frown and serious look on the other man's face, he obviously did.
Blair sat more comfortably on the couch, allowing Jim to gather his thoughts before getting the whole story from him.
"Everything was going fine, Rafe and H were interrogating Keats, I was monitoring his heartbeat to see whether I could detect a lie, and that's when I realized something was odd with you. With your own heartbeat. It was slowing down. And you were completely still. I called your name but you didn't react. I touched you, but with the same result. You only came back after five, six minutes."
"You mean it lasted for several minutes?" Blair asked, surprised. He was reconsidering the whole argument. Apparently Jim was right; he had zoned. There was no other way to explain the loss of time he'd apparently experienced.
"Give the man a cookie," Jim said, looking up at the ceiling, "he finally gets it. Yes, it did last several minutes."
"That's freaky," Blair breathed, his mind already focusing on the matter at hands. "I did feel something but it didn't seem that long to me. It was, I don't know, like a flash - nothing more. A couple of seconds, tops." That was serious, then.
Blair wasn't panicking, but he was already planning his next course of action. He knew some professors at Rainier who might be able to help him. He just needed to figure out exactly what kind of questions he needed to ask, what direction he wanted to go.
"Wanna come back to earth, Grissom?" Jim asked, interrupting his solo brain storming.
Blair smiled, "Sorry, man. I'm just trying to think of what it means, of the possibilities."
"Why am I not surprised?"
Blair squeezed Jim's thigh, still smiling before he turned serious. "Okay tell me more. What did you see exactly? What was I doing?"
"Like I said, you kept very still, your eyes were fixed on Keats, it felt as if nothing else existed but him. And your look, Chief, it wasn't even blank it was... more than empty. Alien somehow." Jim was struggling with his words, trying to describe what he'd seen, but he wasn't even sure of exactly what had happened. "And your heartbeat was really slow."
"As if I were meditating, something like that?" Blair ventured.
Jim shook his head. "No, it was different. It freaked me out," he repeated. "It was as if you weren't there. I wonder if that's how I look when I'm zoning?"
Blair thought about that. "When you zone it's because you're focusing too much on the here and now. You look like you're not here but at the same time, it's like you're all over." He raised an eyebrow. "Does it make sense?"
"Not even a little," Jim replied easily.
"You prick," Blair laughed. "But okay so now I know what it looked like from the outside."
"What about the inside, then?" Jim asked, his hand hovering over Blair's temple in an almost caress. "What did you see, what were you looking at?" His practical mind was trying to warn him about the direction the whole conversation was leading to, but it was clear something had happened, and he needed to face it if he wanted to help Blair, should he need it. Jim didn't plan on missing something important in Blair's life just because he wasn't comfortable with it. Whatever 'it' was.
Blair leaned back on the couch, a look of concentration on his face, then turned his attention back to Jim. "I was looking at nothing. The place where that man's humanity was supposed to be? It was empty, there was nothing there. I'm not talking about a dark soul or even the absence of soul per se. The whole concept is open to interpretation anyway. But what makes us what we are - namely thinking, feeling human beings, no matter the belief one might have, what constitutes our humanity - it wasn't there. It was terrifying." A shudder ran along his spine. "Did you feel it too?"
"No, nothing at all. I'm a cop and I've been doing this for a while and yeah, sometimes you do get a sense of wrongness, for lack of a better word, with certain persons but, sadly, a lot of them just don't look the part. And Keats... he definitely fit the description. He could have gone on for a long time if it wasn't for his arrogance. That flaw of his is what helped us nail him in the end."
Jim's jaw clenched hard. He stood up and went to retrieve another beer from the fridge. Whether it was because he knew his current one would be a tad too warm for comfort, or whether he just needed to move was anyone's guess. Blair didn't say anything, just waited.
After a moment Jim sat back on the couch, taking a sip of the cold drink. Then he put the bottle on the coffee table and ran a hand through his hair. "I hate to say it but it's true. He could have stayed under the radar for a long time, leaving a trail of bodies behind him. God, Chief," he hissed, "all those kids. Just thinking about it..."
Blair shifted and faced Jim. "He could have but he didn't, Jim. He didn't and it was your doing. Yours and the team's. That's what matters." He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Jim's.
They kissed for a moment, not trying to deepen it; they just took comfort in the other's presence. When they drew apart, Jim seemed slightly less burdened.
Blair's fingers were drawing small patterns on his lover's leg, almost absentmindedly. He was processing what he'd been told. He'd originally thought that what he'd felt when watching Keats through the glass of the interrogation room might have something to do with Jim's senses as well, that Jim might have felt something. But since that wasn't the case - it opened up a world of possibilities. Of questions, too.
"That's fascinating," Blair said, after a while. "I mean, so it's not a sentinel thing, after all." His voice was thoughtful.
Jim smiled. "Sorry to burst your bubble, professor, but not everything is sentinel related."
Blair rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the mind-blowing news, Ellison. I meant... well okay, I'm not exactly sure what I meant. But I just thought we might have shared the sensation somehow."
"Sorry, feels like it's a hundred percent Blair Sandburg thing."
"I'm on my own, then."
Jim almost growled at the comment; he grabbed the nape of Blair's neck, curling his hand around it, and pulled Blair to him. Their foreheads touched for a moment before his mouth met Blair's. He licked the sensual lips first, reveling in the texture and taste, and slipped his tongue between them. It was wet and warm, it tasted a bit of the coffee they'd drunk in the late afternoon, but that wasn't what Jim was latching onto. Underneath it all, there was the taste of Blair, and that's what Jim wanted.
The kiss turned a bit rough, just the way they both liked it, and Jim groaned as Blair responded to him, eagerly, wantonly. He meant business right now, but Jim was trying to pass a message. It was only when he felt that Blair had received it loud and clear that he withdrew, slowly. His hand was still cupping Blair's neck, though, and he stroked the skin there in a soothing fashion; he was in no hurry to break physical contact with his lover.
Blair's eyes were just this side of glassy. He swallowed and then smiled. "Did I say that I was on my own? Surely you heard wrong."
"That's what I thought," Jim replied, his eyes fixed on Blair's face.
They exchanged another kiss, lazy and unhurried, all opening lips and dancing tongues, then Blair shifted position and lay down on the couch on his back, his head comfortably coming to rest on Jim's firm thighs. He stretched a hand to the side and grabbed the beer bottle from the coffee table, handing it to Jim, who took it with a smile.
"Thanks."
They stayed like that for a while, not speaking; Jim sipping his beer with one hand, the other lightly stroking Blair's belly under his shirt. As for Blair, he was immersed in one of his favorite hobbies - thinking.
Surprisingly, it was Jim who broke the silence.
"Did you," he started, trying to find the right way of saying it, "did you get lost somewhere in that guy's mind?"
If the discussion hadn't been so serious, Blair might have teased Jim about his question. Jim ‘No-Nonsense’ Ellison was never comfortable talking about the mystical - which always struck Blair as funny, considering some of the things that had happened to them both. But that was Jim in all his down-to-earth, stubborn glory. He'd come to accept that part of Jim, though it didn't stop Blair from getting in Jim's face when he deemed it necessary. But to have him initiate that kind of questioning was nothing short of a miracle. Somehow, the whole discussion was a bit surreal, and Jim was taking the new development in their lives a lot better than Blair would have expected.
Of course, it also showed Blair how much Jim cared about him, so, on second thought, he might not have teased him, after all.
A soft pressure on his abdomen told Blair someone was waiting for a reply. He put his hand over Jim's, feeling the contour through the shirt and holding it there, pressed against his skin.
"I didn't, no. I wasn't lost at all. I wasn't really in him either. Just watching. I was merely an observer." He smiled and gazed up at Jim. "Story of my life, right?"
Jim smiled back, though it didn’t completely reach his eyes. "Except this time you're hitting some new highs. Always the overachiever, aren't you?"
"Look who's talking," Blair counterattacked with a fond look. Then, "I did feel a sort of... pull. Nothing overwhelming though," he hurried to say when he saw as well as felt Jim tense. "It was strange. Almost as if It wanted me to touch It."
"But you wouldn't. You won't. Because you don't know what it could do to you."
"I guess." Blair's voice seemed far away, as if he was contemplating something.
It didn't please Jim. "You guess?"
Blair shook his head briefly. "No, I mean, of course I'm not going to touch that... thing. Anyway, there was nothing I could do to help, I could feel it."
"Help?"
Blair looked up again at Jim's harsh voice, frowned. "Get a grip, man."
"Get a grip?" Jim's hand pressed harder on Blair's belly in an unconscious gesture. "Get a grip? You’re talking about touching pure evil with your mind, pure evil that might swallow you up or I don’t know what, and you want me to get a grip? Right. As if that’s gonna happen, Chief."
"Jim," Blair started in a soothing voice.
"Shut up, Sandburg. We're talking about things we don't even have words for; I don't want you to take any risk. Seriously, do you think I'm just going to wait till something bad happens to you? How long have you known me again?"
"Well I don't know. In the biblical sense?"
"I'm not laughing, Blair!"
"I know, Jim, I know." Blair sat up, sighing. "I'm telling you, I have no intention of taking any risk either, all right? But we need to investigate. Find the boundaries. See what we can do with it. If we can do anything. Maybe it won't happen again."
"Do you believe that?"
Silence. Then, "No, I don't."
"Shit," Jim said roughly, "nothing can ever be simple in our lives, can it?" He manhandled Blair so that he was lying against him again, then resumed his light stroking of the flat stomach; he needed the simple contact.
"I guess we're just too good for normal," Blair stated.
"It doesn't comfort me at all."
"Didn't think it would."
Jim threw back his head against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. "I wish I could get angry with Incacha."
Blair ran a hand up and down Jim's arm at the admission, showing his support silently.
"I wish I could because it feels like he turned our world upside down without asking us, as if he just assumed it would be okay, but I can't. Incacha was-" He stopped.
"He was your friend and your teacher. He was a good man," Blair finished for him.
Jim nodded. "He knew what he was doing. I have to accept that."
A knowing smile appeared on Blair's face. "Even if you don't have to like it."
"Something like that, yeah," Jim replied softly.
"Feeling anger is normal, Jim. It doesn't negate your relationship with him, and it's not disrespectful, either. And it'll pass."
"Yeah. But listen, I want you to tell me whenever something like that happens again, you hear me?"
"You mean like you tell me whenever something seems to go wrong with your senses?" Blair answered immediately.
Jim didn't even blink. "Better than that. A whole lot better than that."
"At least you're honest, man," Blair said, with a smile.
"As if you gave me any choice," Jim growled.
"Nice to know you acknowledge who wears the pants in this relationship."
In response, the hand that had been stroking his belly slid lower, then sneaked inside his pants and stroked his cock in a quick, albeit clearly proprietary, gesture. Blair's laugh at the sudden move was a bit breathless, but he didn't have time to say or do anything because Jim stopped the sensual caress almost as soon as it had begun. It wasn't the right time to start anything, and they both knew it. Still, Blair loved those little stolen caresses.
He moved his head on Jim's lap, knowing what it would do to him. Blair wasn't really starting anything either, he just wanted to make it clear that as soon as they both considered the discussion closed, he was ready for some quality time with Jim. He didn't need any heightened senses to know that the message had been understood. But first, they had something to finish.
"I'll let you know of any new development I feel. As you all but told me earlier, we're in this together and I, contrary to some people I know, never had any problem with the concept of working as a team."
"Point taken, Sandburg."
"Good."
But Jim wasn't good with the whole thing. So Blair was changing. All right, maybe in time he would be comfortable with that. Like in seventy years? Right now though, he hated the idea of it. Hated the idea of Blair maybe distancing himself from him. And if he had to be completely honest with himself, maybe he also hated the idea of sharing Blair like that.
"Okay Jim, what's wrong?"
Jim startled at the question but he had no intention of sharing this. "Nothing."
"Right."
Blair stayed silent for a couple of minutes, then, "So?"
"So what, Chief?"
"What's wrong, of course," Blair said, as if it was obvious. Which, for Blair, was.
Jim sighed inwardly. And people thought he was a pitbull. Clearly they didn't know Blair as well as they all thought they did. He caved in. Or tried to. "I just-" He wasn't sure how he could explain what the problem was without looking like the caveman Blair liked to accuse him of being.
"Just what?" Blair said, obviously not ready to let it pass. "Come on, man, give me something here."
"I hate this."
"Care to be just a tad more specific?"
"This, the change in you. I don't want you to change. "
"Everybody changes, Jim," Blair said in a voice that sounded too wise for Jim's comfort.
"Not like this."
"It's an honor. A privilege. It's also a huge responsibility and yeah it's scary, but just because it's scary doesn't mean we shouldn't move on. Hey, just look at us."
And of course Jim didn't have any reply to that. Trust Blair to find the one argument he couldn't go against. Because, yes, deciding to be with Blair that way had been scary, on many levels. But they'd decided it was worth it. And there wasn't a day when either of them regretted making that choice.
"Something else I hate? When you go all rational on me," he admitted grudgingly.
"Yeah I can see how that would be annoying," Blair mocked gently.
"So what is happening? Is Cascade truly on the verge of having her very own shaman?"
"Would that be a bad thing?"
"I guess not."
"Restrain your enthusiasm, man," Blair said, mildly exasperated. He stood up and then sat on the coffee table, facing Jim, their knees touching. "I'm afraid you're going to burst something if you don't pay attention."
"Sorry."
"Yeah right. But seriously, Sentinel of the Great City, Shaman of the Great City - they weren't just words. Maybe it's time to really take responsibility."
"What have I been doing so far?" Jim asked angrily.
Blair raised in hands to placate Jim's ire. "I know what you've been doing, I'm not trying to deny it, okay? And I was there, right by your side each time, remember? I admire what you do, you know that. What I meant is that maybe it's time to go further. To do more. You help the city, you protect it. If I can do that, in my own way, then I don't want to shy away from it."
"Chief, you already help and protect the city, too," Jim said softly. "Each time you help and guide me, each time you refuse to take my shit, you do the city good. And each time you helped with a case, you did that too. And let's not forget your role at the university - this is big as well. Even I know that, okay?"
Blair's lips curved in a delighted smile. Jim shrugged, as if it meant nothing, but they both knew it was something. And it meant the world to Blair.
"Thanks, Jim. And see, I just want to do more now."
"I get it. I really do." He tried to convey the truth in his word with his look. Then, "Shaman of the Great City, huh? I guess it does have a nice ring to it."
Blair stared at him hard for a second, then his eyes widened and he laughed. "Man, is that the problem?"
Jim narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"What do you think? That the city will own me? Does the city own you?" And from the tone of his voice, Jim could tell that Blair already knew the answer to his question.
Jim answered anyway, and he didn't need to think before doing so. "It doesn't, no. But you're different. You're more open to people, more attuned to them, you've always been. You might not have a choice."
"No, Jim, we always have a choice." He stood up, then in a swift move he was straddling Jim's lap, making himself comfortable, clearly at home. "You're so dense, sometimes, I swear. Not that it's anything new, of course."
Jim swatted a thigh. "A little respect, Chief."
"But it's true. Dense, that's what you are. I choose you, Jim. Always. I won't belong to the Great City, alright? Or if I do, it'll always come in second. We both know who I belong to first and foremost, right?"
Jim relaxed a fraction. "Is that a fact?"
"It sure is, man."
Blair leaned forward and kissed Jim. It was a slow, burning kiss that told more than words could say sometimes. He started rocking softly against his lover.
Jim accepted the touch, tried to accept the meaning behind it. He knew he trusted Blair. He didn't doubt their commitment, but the call of the needy and helpless was strong, and he wondered whether Blair would be strong enough - or was that 'hard' enough - to resist it. Jim didn't want Blair to lose himself in it. And he didn't want Blair to take responsibility for things he couldn't change.
As the touches became more insistent, the caresses more demanding, as the bond between them started to burn, Jim tried to reassure himself. They were in this together - as they always were - and, as long they didn't lose sight of that, it would be all right. They would each guide the other, and they would both come out of this stronger. Or so he hoped.
Fin
Title: Layers and Cells
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 4500+
Story Notes: Okay, so. This fic was originally written for - that is, that's when I was supposed to write it - the 100th challenge over at
sentinel_thurs and it was set in the same universe as the very first SenThur fic I wrote for the very first challenge, namely Too Much to Lose. It was all very symbolic, see? Turns out a bit differently since I actually wrote the new fic, what, nine months later? Yeah. But it's not the point, man, the point is... there is fic! Fic of the Jim/Blair persuasion. Also, spoilers for "Warriors".Thanks to
starwatcher307 for the wonderful beta, as usual *hugs* We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations - Anai Nin
*
The door of the loft opened brusquely and was slammed loud enough to show the displeasure of its occupants.
"You zoned." The voice was firm, obviously restrained. Neither man was at a point where they were engaged in a heated argument, but they were clearly on their way.
"Give me a break. I did not zone."
"Who exactly is the expert on this zone out factor again?" came the sarcastic reply.
"Good question, actually, ‘cause right now? I'm wondering."
Jim took a step forward and glared at Blair. "Read my lips, Chief," he said tightly. "You fucking zoned."
The two men stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other to concede the point.
In the end, although Blair was as stubborn himself, when he pushed a strand of hair behind an ear with that look on his face, Jim knew he'd won this round, even without having shared a word between them. From the look of it, Blair's analytical mind was already processing what he'd been told repeatedly since they'd left the precinct. Now, Jim wasn't stupid, nor was he naïve. He knew perfectly well that winning a round didn't equal winning the whole game, much less when one Blair Sandburg was involved, but if he was at least willing to listen, it was a step in the right direction.
"So I zoned," Blair said noncommittally, leaning against the back of the couch.
Jim showed a lot of restraint and didn't growl in frustration; he didn't even roll his eyes. He followed Blair's lead and went for casual too. "Oh I don't know, what have I been telling you for, what, the past two damn hours?"
"What if we dropped the sarcasm and went straight to the point?"
Jim was coming close to the critical point. He didn't like to repeat himself and Blair had been trying his patience for - yes, two long hours - and, if he were honest with himself, he'd been damn worried, as well. Stubborn son of a bitch didn't want to see the truth. And that was pretty ironic. Damn annoying too, and the annoying part was getting to Jim. Big time.
His eyes narrowed dangerously. He took a step closer to Blair and loomed over him, using their height difference to try and make Blair cede. "What if you didn't piss me off more than I already am and cut the crap?"
But of course, that kind of macho attitude had near to zero effect on the other man. Blair just craned his neck a bit and showed Jim how intimidated he was. Or wasn't, in this particular case. "I'm shaking in fear, Ellison. Please keep going, I think I'm ready to break down."
Jim rolled his eyes this time and drew a short breath. Strangling your partner wasn't the politically correct thing to do, he reminded himself. Even if you knew the perfect place to hide the body so that no one would ever find it. So he just glared some more and went to the kitchen to take a beer out of the fridge. He sipped at it slowly, never taking his eyes off the other man.
Blair tried to ignore the look that was currently piercing him but Jim had a knack at unnerving him with, well, just a look. He had no intention of letting it show, of course; he knew how much Jim would gloat if he ever realized the effect he had. Except... except maybe Jim already knew, him being a sentinel and all. Blair couldn't control his heartbeat all the time, could he? Nor he could control his scent or other telltale signs 24/7, either. It was Blair's turn to narrow his eyes at his companion and he contemplated him suspiciously for a moment. Then he shook his head and chastised himself. He was digressing. Better come back to the problem at hand, or Jim would sulk all evening.
"Alright. For conversation's sake, and for all those times when I asked you to listen to me, I'm going to show you how it's actually done. So, I'll sit," which he did, "and I'll listen carefully." He stopped talking and made himself comfortable on the couch, putting his feet on the coffee table. He looked at Jim questioningly and waited. To be honest, he had to admit he was curious as to what Jim thought had happened.
Jim took his beer with him and came to Blair's side. He sat down and, without a word, shoved the offending feet off the coffee table. Blair rolled his eyes but kept silent as well. Then he jerked his head toward the beer.
"What's with the selfish act, man? What about my beer?" He reached a hand toward the bottle.
"Keep your hands to yourself, Sandburg. You never want a beer right after we're home, so don't play the martyr card, it's not working."
"You think you know me by heart, that's your problem."
"I don't think I know you by heart, Chief. I know so. I know you inside out." And even if he'd wanted to, Jim wasn't sure he could have kept the leer off his face when he said this.
The little exchange had the expected result though; it relaxed both of them.
"So, Jim. Go ahead, I'm listening. Oh, and watch and learn, will you?" Blair said with a flourish.
"You're too kind," Jim mocked. "And for the record, I always listen to you."
Blair chuckled at that. "Well, maybe you do," he admitted. "Kicking and screaming. Oh and bitching and whining too."
"Give me a break. And we're not talking about me, anyway, are we? So shut up and start listening, since you're obviously so good at it. "
Blair bowed mockingly and avoided Jim's cuff aimed at him with a move that spoke of long practice.
Jim shook his head at his lover's antics, then grew serious. "You freaked me out, babe, pure and simple."
That gained Jim of all Blair's attention at once, which had been the whole point of the uncharacteristic admission. Usually getting Jim to reveal his fears was like pulling teeth - and he could admit it himself. So he'd deliberately chosen a direct approach to show he meant business, hoping Blair would get the message.
Which, from the frown and serious look on the other man's face, he obviously did.
Blair sat more comfortably on the couch, allowing Jim to gather his thoughts before getting the whole story from him.
"Everything was going fine, Rafe and H were interrogating Keats, I was monitoring his heartbeat to see whether I could detect a lie, and that's when I realized something was odd with you. With your own heartbeat. It was slowing down. And you were completely still. I called your name but you didn't react. I touched you, but with the same result. You only came back after five, six minutes."
"You mean it lasted for several minutes?" Blair asked, surprised. He was reconsidering the whole argument. Apparently Jim was right; he had zoned. There was no other way to explain the loss of time he'd apparently experienced.
"Give the man a cookie," Jim said, looking up at the ceiling, "he finally gets it. Yes, it did last several minutes."
"That's freaky," Blair breathed, his mind already focusing on the matter at hands. "I did feel something but it didn't seem that long to me. It was, I don't know, like a flash - nothing more. A couple of seconds, tops." That was serious, then.
Blair wasn't panicking, but he was already planning his next course of action. He knew some professors at Rainier who might be able to help him. He just needed to figure out exactly what kind of questions he needed to ask, what direction he wanted to go.
"Wanna come back to earth, Grissom?" Jim asked, interrupting his solo brain storming.
Blair smiled, "Sorry, man. I'm just trying to think of what it means, of the possibilities."
"Why am I not surprised?"
Blair squeezed Jim's thigh, still smiling before he turned serious. "Okay tell me more. What did you see exactly? What was I doing?"
"Like I said, you kept very still, your eyes were fixed on Keats, it felt as if nothing else existed but him. And your look, Chief, it wasn't even blank it was... more than empty. Alien somehow." Jim was struggling with his words, trying to describe what he'd seen, but he wasn't even sure of exactly what had happened. "And your heartbeat was really slow."
"As if I were meditating, something like that?" Blair ventured.
Jim shook his head. "No, it was different. It freaked me out," he repeated. "It was as if you weren't there. I wonder if that's how I look when I'm zoning?"
Blair thought about that. "When you zone it's because you're focusing too much on the here and now. You look like you're not here but at the same time, it's like you're all over." He raised an eyebrow. "Does it make sense?"
"Not even a little," Jim replied easily.
"You prick," Blair laughed. "But okay so now I know what it looked like from the outside."
"What about the inside, then?" Jim asked, his hand hovering over Blair's temple in an almost caress. "What did you see, what were you looking at?" His practical mind was trying to warn him about the direction the whole conversation was leading to, but it was clear something had happened, and he needed to face it if he wanted to help Blair, should he need it. Jim didn't plan on missing something important in Blair's life just because he wasn't comfortable with it. Whatever 'it' was.
Blair leaned back on the couch, a look of concentration on his face, then turned his attention back to Jim. "I was looking at nothing. The place where that man's humanity was supposed to be? It was empty, there was nothing there. I'm not talking about a dark soul or even the absence of soul per se. The whole concept is open to interpretation anyway. But what makes us what we are - namely thinking, feeling human beings, no matter the belief one might have, what constitutes our humanity - it wasn't there. It was terrifying." A shudder ran along his spine. "Did you feel it too?"
"No, nothing at all. I'm a cop and I've been doing this for a while and yeah, sometimes you do get a sense of wrongness, for lack of a better word, with certain persons but, sadly, a lot of them just don't look the part. And Keats... he definitely fit the description. He could have gone on for a long time if it wasn't for his arrogance. That flaw of his is what helped us nail him in the end."
Jim's jaw clenched hard. He stood up and went to retrieve another beer from the fridge. Whether it was because he knew his current one would be a tad too warm for comfort, or whether he just needed to move was anyone's guess. Blair didn't say anything, just waited.
After a moment Jim sat back on the couch, taking a sip of the cold drink. Then he put the bottle on the coffee table and ran a hand through his hair. "I hate to say it but it's true. He could have stayed under the radar for a long time, leaving a trail of bodies behind him. God, Chief," he hissed, "all those kids. Just thinking about it..."
Blair shifted and faced Jim. "He could have but he didn't, Jim. He didn't and it was your doing. Yours and the team's. That's what matters." He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Jim's.
They kissed for a moment, not trying to deepen it; they just took comfort in the other's presence. When they drew apart, Jim seemed slightly less burdened.
Blair's fingers were drawing small patterns on his lover's leg, almost absentmindedly. He was processing what he'd been told. He'd originally thought that what he'd felt when watching Keats through the glass of the interrogation room might have something to do with Jim's senses as well, that Jim might have felt something. But since that wasn't the case - it opened up a world of possibilities. Of questions, too.
"That's fascinating," Blair said, after a while. "I mean, so it's not a sentinel thing, after all." His voice was thoughtful.
Jim smiled. "Sorry to burst your bubble, professor, but not everything is sentinel related."
Blair rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the mind-blowing news, Ellison. I meant... well okay, I'm not exactly sure what I meant. But I just thought we might have shared the sensation somehow."
"Sorry, feels like it's a hundred percent Blair Sandburg thing."
"I'm on my own, then."
Jim almost growled at the comment; he grabbed the nape of Blair's neck, curling his hand around it, and pulled Blair to him. Their foreheads touched for a moment before his mouth met Blair's. He licked the sensual lips first, reveling in the texture and taste, and slipped his tongue between them. It was wet and warm, it tasted a bit of the coffee they'd drunk in the late afternoon, but that wasn't what Jim was latching onto. Underneath it all, there was the taste of Blair, and that's what Jim wanted.
The kiss turned a bit rough, just the way they both liked it, and Jim groaned as Blair responded to him, eagerly, wantonly. He meant business right now, but Jim was trying to pass a message. It was only when he felt that Blair had received it loud and clear that he withdrew, slowly. His hand was still cupping Blair's neck, though, and he stroked the skin there in a soothing fashion; he was in no hurry to break physical contact with his lover.
Blair's eyes were just this side of glassy. He swallowed and then smiled. "Did I say that I was on my own? Surely you heard wrong."
"That's what I thought," Jim replied, his eyes fixed on Blair's face.
They exchanged another kiss, lazy and unhurried, all opening lips and dancing tongues, then Blair shifted position and lay down on the couch on his back, his head comfortably coming to rest on Jim's firm thighs. He stretched a hand to the side and grabbed the beer bottle from the coffee table, handing it to Jim, who took it with a smile.
"Thanks."
They stayed like that for a while, not speaking; Jim sipping his beer with one hand, the other lightly stroking Blair's belly under his shirt. As for Blair, he was immersed in one of his favorite hobbies - thinking.
Surprisingly, it was Jim who broke the silence.
"Did you," he started, trying to find the right way of saying it, "did you get lost somewhere in that guy's mind?"
If the discussion hadn't been so serious, Blair might have teased Jim about his question. Jim ‘No-Nonsense’ Ellison was never comfortable talking about the mystical - which always struck Blair as funny, considering some of the things that had happened to them both. But that was Jim in all his down-to-earth, stubborn glory. He'd come to accept that part of Jim, though it didn't stop Blair from getting in Jim's face when he deemed it necessary. But to have him initiate that kind of questioning was nothing short of a miracle. Somehow, the whole discussion was a bit surreal, and Jim was taking the new development in their lives a lot better than Blair would have expected.
Of course, it also showed Blair how much Jim cared about him, so, on second thought, he might not have teased him, after all.
A soft pressure on his abdomen told Blair someone was waiting for a reply. He put his hand over Jim's, feeling the contour through the shirt and holding it there, pressed against his skin.
"I didn't, no. I wasn't lost at all. I wasn't really in him either. Just watching. I was merely an observer." He smiled and gazed up at Jim. "Story of my life, right?"
Jim smiled back, though it didn’t completely reach his eyes. "Except this time you're hitting some new highs. Always the overachiever, aren't you?"
"Look who's talking," Blair counterattacked with a fond look. Then, "I did feel a sort of... pull. Nothing overwhelming though," he hurried to say when he saw as well as felt Jim tense. "It was strange. Almost as if It wanted me to touch It."
"But you wouldn't. You won't. Because you don't know what it could do to you."
"I guess." Blair's voice seemed far away, as if he was contemplating something.
It didn't please Jim. "You guess?"
Blair shook his head briefly. "No, I mean, of course I'm not going to touch that... thing. Anyway, there was nothing I could do to help, I could feel it."
"Help?"
Blair looked up again at Jim's harsh voice, frowned. "Get a grip, man."
"Get a grip?" Jim's hand pressed harder on Blair's belly in an unconscious gesture. "Get a grip? You’re talking about touching pure evil with your mind, pure evil that might swallow you up or I don’t know what, and you want me to get a grip? Right. As if that’s gonna happen, Chief."
"Jim," Blair started in a soothing voice.
"Shut up, Sandburg. We're talking about things we don't even have words for; I don't want you to take any risk. Seriously, do you think I'm just going to wait till something bad happens to you? How long have you known me again?"
"Well I don't know. In the biblical sense?"
"I'm not laughing, Blair!"
"I know, Jim, I know." Blair sat up, sighing. "I'm telling you, I have no intention of taking any risk either, all right? But we need to investigate. Find the boundaries. See what we can do with it. If we can do anything. Maybe it won't happen again."
"Do you believe that?"
Silence. Then, "No, I don't."
"Shit," Jim said roughly, "nothing can ever be simple in our lives, can it?" He manhandled Blair so that he was lying against him again, then resumed his light stroking of the flat stomach; he needed the simple contact.
"I guess we're just too good for normal," Blair stated.
"It doesn't comfort me at all."
"Didn't think it would."
Jim threw back his head against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. "I wish I could get angry with Incacha."
Blair ran a hand up and down Jim's arm at the admission, showing his support silently.
"I wish I could because it feels like he turned our world upside down without asking us, as if he just assumed it would be okay, but I can't. Incacha was-" He stopped.
"He was your friend and your teacher. He was a good man," Blair finished for him.
Jim nodded. "He knew what he was doing. I have to accept that."
A knowing smile appeared on Blair's face. "Even if you don't have to like it."
"Something like that, yeah," Jim replied softly.
"Feeling anger is normal, Jim. It doesn't negate your relationship with him, and it's not disrespectful, either. And it'll pass."
"Yeah. But listen, I want you to tell me whenever something like that happens again, you hear me?"
"You mean like you tell me whenever something seems to go wrong with your senses?" Blair answered immediately.
Jim didn't even blink. "Better than that. A whole lot better than that."
"At least you're honest, man," Blair said, with a smile.
"As if you gave me any choice," Jim growled.
"Nice to know you acknowledge who wears the pants in this relationship."
In response, the hand that had been stroking his belly slid lower, then sneaked inside his pants and stroked his cock in a quick, albeit clearly proprietary, gesture. Blair's laugh at the sudden move was a bit breathless, but he didn't have time to say or do anything because Jim stopped the sensual caress almost as soon as it had begun. It wasn't the right time to start anything, and they both knew it. Still, Blair loved those little stolen caresses.
He moved his head on Jim's lap, knowing what it would do to him. Blair wasn't really starting anything either, he just wanted to make it clear that as soon as they both considered the discussion closed, he was ready for some quality time with Jim. He didn't need any heightened senses to know that the message had been understood. But first, they had something to finish.
"I'll let you know of any new development I feel. As you all but told me earlier, we're in this together and I, contrary to some people I know, never had any problem with the concept of working as a team."
"Point taken, Sandburg."
"Good."
But Jim wasn't good with the whole thing. So Blair was changing. All right, maybe in time he would be comfortable with that. Like in seventy years? Right now though, he hated the idea of it. Hated the idea of Blair maybe distancing himself from him. And if he had to be completely honest with himself, maybe he also hated the idea of sharing Blair like that.
"Okay Jim, what's wrong?"
Jim startled at the question but he had no intention of sharing this. "Nothing."
"Right."
Blair stayed silent for a couple of minutes, then, "So?"
"So what, Chief?"
"What's wrong, of course," Blair said, as if it was obvious. Which, for Blair, was.
Jim sighed inwardly. And people thought he was a pitbull. Clearly they didn't know Blair as well as they all thought they did. He caved in. Or tried to. "I just-" He wasn't sure how he could explain what the problem was without looking like the caveman Blair liked to accuse him of being.
"Just what?" Blair said, obviously not ready to let it pass. "Come on, man, give me something here."
"I hate this."
"Care to be just a tad more specific?"
"This, the change in you. I don't want you to change. "
"Everybody changes, Jim," Blair said in a voice that sounded too wise for Jim's comfort.
"Not like this."
"It's an honor. A privilege. It's also a huge responsibility and yeah it's scary, but just because it's scary doesn't mean we shouldn't move on. Hey, just look at us."
And of course Jim didn't have any reply to that. Trust Blair to find the one argument he couldn't go against. Because, yes, deciding to be with Blair that way had been scary, on many levels. But they'd decided it was worth it. And there wasn't a day when either of them regretted making that choice.
"Something else I hate? When you go all rational on me," he admitted grudgingly.
"Yeah I can see how that would be annoying," Blair mocked gently.
"So what is happening? Is Cascade truly on the verge of having her very own shaman?"
"Would that be a bad thing?"
"I guess not."
"Restrain your enthusiasm, man," Blair said, mildly exasperated. He stood up and then sat on the coffee table, facing Jim, their knees touching. "I'm afraid you're going to burst something if you don't pay attention."
"Sorry."
"Yeah right. But seriously, Sentinel of the Great City, Shaman of the Great City - they weren't just words. Maybe it's time to really take responsibility."
"What have I been doing so far?" Jim asked angrily.
Blair raised in hands to placate Jim's ire. "I know what you've been doing, I'm not trying to deny it, okay? And I was there, right by your side each time, remember? I admire what you do, you know that. What I meant is that maybe it's time to go further. To do more. You help the city, you protect it. If I can do that, in my own way, then I don't want to shy away from it."
"Chief, you already help and protect the city, too," Jim said softly. "Each time you help and guide me, each time you refuse to take my shit, you do the city good. And each time you helped with a case, you did that too. And let's not forget your role at the university - this is big as well. Even I know that, okay?"
Blair's lips curved in a delighted smile. Jim shrugged, as if it meant nothing, but they both knew it was something. And it meant the world to Blair.
"Thanks, Jim. And see, I just want to do more now."
"I get it. I really do." He tried to convey the truth in his word with his look. Then, "Shaman of the Great City, huh? I guess it does have a nice ring to it."
Blair stared at him hard for a second, then his eyes widened and he laughed. "Man, is that the problem?"
Jim narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"What do you think? That the city will own me? Does the city own you?" And from the tone of his voice, Jim could tell that Blair already knew the answer to his question.
Jim answered anyway, and he didn't need to think before doing so. "It doesn't, no. But you're different. You're more open to people, more attuned to them, you've always been. You might not have a choice."
"No, Jim, we always have a choice." He stood up, then in a swift move he was straddling Jim's lap, making himself comfortable, clearly at home. "You're so dense, sometimes, I swear. Not that it's anything new, of course."
Jim swatted a thigh. "A little respect, Chief."
"But it's true. Dense, that's what you are. I choose you, Jim. Always. I won't belong to the Great City, alright? Or if I do, it'll always come in second. We both know who I belong to first and foremost, right?"
Jim relaxed a fraction. "Is that a fact?"
"It sure is, man."
Blair leaned forward and kissed Jim. It was a slow, burning kiss that told more than words could say sometimes. He started rocking softly against his lover.
Jim accepted the touch, tried to accept the meaning behind it. He knew he trusted Blair. He didn't doubt their commitment, but the call of the needy and helpless was strong, and he wondered whether Blair would be strong enough - or was that 'hard' enough - to resist it. Jim didn't want Blair to lose himself in it. And he didn't want Blair to take responsibility for things he couldn't change.
As the touches became more insistent, the caresses more demanding, as the bond between them started to burn, Jim tried to reassure himself. They were in this together - as they always were - and, as long they didn't lose sight of that, it would be all right. They would each guide the other, and they would both come out of this stronger. Or so he hoped.
Fin
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2006-05-11 08:31 am (UTC)Beautiful, hon!
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Date: 2006-05-12 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-11 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 07:53 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you enjoyed the fic: and I love your comment on the physical aspects reinforcing and counterpoint the verbal conversation because this is what I was trying to convey so yay!
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Date: 2006-05-11 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 07:54 pm (UTC)So thank you for reading and letting me know you enjoyed the story *g*
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Date: 2006-05-11 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-11 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 07:59 pm (UTC)Blair just wouldn't take no for an answer lol Good thing too with stubborn!Jim as a lover *g* They do make an interesting - and so very hot - pairing to write, those two *g*
Thanks for commenting!
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Date: 2006-05-12 12:46 am (UTC)::spins about madly::
TS fic from the Mouse!
I always love your J/B dialogue and the sensual feel of their touching and caressing and just being together that you create. *sigh* So nice.
Beautiful, hon. Thanks. *smooch*
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Date: 2006-05-12 08:02 pm (UTC)Thank you for the wonderful feedback, mate, I'm thrilled you enjoyed the fic, it made my day :-)
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Date: 2006-05-12 07:58 am (UTC)I loved how they were able to actually *have* this kind of discussion without letting it spin down into an argument. :-) The verbal and the physical levels of their communication matched perfectly, showed very well the process of caring, discussing, processing and - finally - understanding each other. It was neither over the top nor was it too low but just *right* and beautiful to watch the development.
Thank you. :-)
PatK
:-)
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Date: 2006-05-12 08:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-12 04:09 pm (UTC)I liked Jim admitting his fears, and Blair knowing how serious things were when he heard them.
Jim wasn't stupid, nor was he naïve. He knew perfectly well that winning a round didn't equal winning the whole game, much less when one Blair Sandburg was involved
Yep, Jim has Blair's measure okay.
"I'm shaking in fear, Ellison. Please keep going, I think I'm ready to break down
Just a small selction of that whole conversation which was so cool. The snark was great to read, sniping without nastiness.
The kiss turned a bit rough, just the way they both liked it, and Jim groaned as Blair responded to him, eagerly, wantonly. He meant business right now, but Jim was trying to pass a message. It was only when he felt that Blair had received it loud and clear that he withdrew, slowly.
Oh guh. I like that, a lot!
He didn't doubt their commitment, but the call of the needy and helpless was strong, and he wondered whether Blair would be strong enough - or was that 'hard' enough - to resist it. Jim didn't want Blair to lose himself in it. And he didn't want Blair to take responsibility for things he couldn't change.
That has to be a worry for Jim. Blair's changing so much already and he knows it'll keep happening. The poor guy must be frantic.
Btw, way to go tricking people in the first paragraph too, very nicely done.
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Date: 2006-05-12 07:25 pm (UTC)So yes. THANK YOU, sis *g*
It's been quite some time since I wrote TS and since the last fics I wrote were 100% AU I was almost worried to come back to something a bit more like the show we know - well, not completely, obviously. But I have to say Jim and Blair were still speaking to me and writing the story - when I finally sat down to do it - was pretty easy and still so much fun! I'm hoping to write more regularly in the fandom because seriously, I missed writing the guys, you know?
Anyway lol Your feedback made my day, I'm so glad the story worked for you *beams* I love the dynamics between the two, it's always incredibly fun to write and this fic was no excetion :-)
Btw, way to go tricking people in the first paragraph too, very nicely done.
Hee thanks! Glad you think so *preens*
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Date: 2006-05-13 12:05 am (UTC)Yes! She's quite the sneaky little shit isn't she? Good thing we didn't *all* fall for it. *cough*
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Date: 2006-05-13 09:47 am (UTC)Hee thanks for the compliment! *preens*
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Date: 2006-05-17 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-29 03:37 pm (UTC)That feedback is making me feel even happier about the fic, thank you so much! The fact that you were into it that way, the fact that you could hear their voices, and I'm thrilled you liked the poem I chose too. It's like everything I wanted my readers to feel, you felt; this is quite a powerful feeling for me, I have to say *g*
And I see that you've also posted a comment for the other fic, so I know you found the sorta sequel :-)
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Date: 2006-06-06 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-10 10:32 am (UTC)It does give us a lot of room to explore and play though ;-) And I'm so glad you enjoyed how I dealt with the theme. I'm thrilled you liked my fic, and even more thrilled you thought it was in character.
Damn... I think I adore *you*
Hee, thanks *blushes* Thanks for all the compliments.