![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
castalieEeeeeeek my DVD made a liar out of me! When I came back home and checked my mailbox again, because, you know, I'm obsessive like that, the DVD was there! All the obsessive compulsive of the world will be rewarded for their obsessive compulsiveness, see? *bounces* So I'm just posting this and right after that I'll curl up and snuggle in my bed and watch my episodes *hugs DVD*
And the betaed version of the fic I mentioned in my last post was waiting in my inbox, so all in all, nice Mail Day lol
Title: By Reflection
Pairing : Jim/Blair
Category: AU
Author's Notes: Thanks go to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yami_tai and starwatcher307 for their ever precious help.
Story Notes: This is set in my Night series, and I know not everyone knows about it so just in case someone is curious, the previous parts can be found here :
I Follow the Night
Prince Charming
In the Dark
Cross-posted at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sentinel_thurs.
I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. - Thomas Paine
Blair had realized fairly young that most people lived a dream, but were so self-centered that they didn't even see it.
They whined about not having the right brand of whatever fancy food they preferred, instead of looking at their fridge and being grateful that it was full. They complained about a small leak in their basement, when they should have been down on their knees thanking Whoever they believed in that they had a fucking roof above their heads to begin with. They bitched to their friends about their last vacation that had been so boring, instead of appreciating the change from their daily routine.
He had no sympathy for them when his own horizon had always been dirty streets and a sky that seemed to be permanently dark. The self-absorbed idiots complained about wives that were always too present, husbands that were always too absent, parents too overbearing and kids too ungrateful. Blair sometimes wondered whether such people deserved all they had, if they could dismiss it so easily.
He'd resented them at first, then come to realize that it wasn't their fault; it was just how things were and, like the rest of his shitty existence, he just had to accept it. When he'd grown a little older, he'd even understood that it was actually one of their privileges; having the freedom to complain about the smallest things when they had everything, gave them a sense of control and security. Not that it could redeem them in his eyes, but it helped alleviate some of the anger he felt toward those people who were incapable of appreciating all the wonders of their lives, when he himself hungered for just one-tenth of such riches.
Blair sometimes called them 'The Whiners', though not to Jim's face because the big guy kept calling him a "prejudiced little shit" and it was getting old, but they deserved it. It wasn't only that The Whiners and Blair saw 'good' and 'bad' in life so differently. He reckoned that they didn't know what courage was either, and that also irritated the hell out of him.
So maybe Jim was right and he was a prejudiced little shit, but what had he ever got from Them anyway? Oh, that was easy - absolutely nothing. Except for contemptuous looks, painful beatings and hard cocks angrily shoved into his body. His destiny wasn't exactly the happiest.
In Blair's opinion, courage wasn't starting a new career when you had willingly chosen to give up on the old one. It wasn't leaving mommy and daddy to go to college when you knew you had a family and a house to go back to if something went wrong, nor was it starting a new job on the other side of the country when you were the one who had decided to leave. It certainly wasn't starting on a new diet and going to the gym when you already looked like a fucking model; damn, but he hated those, whether they were men or women.
Such choices might demand determination and motivation, but courage? Hell no. Courage was an aspect that went much deeper. Courage was when you took real risks, when you put yourself in danger because you'd decided the goal was worth the hazard. And no, he wasn't talking about bungee jumping or skydiving. He meant something real.
Blair had always considered himself determined. Determined to go through another beating without crying, another rape without losing his mind. Determined to deal with another client and his disgusting demands without throwing up, to get up and live another day despite the emptiness surrounding him. He'd been motivated all right, because he would be damned if he ever let anyone break him.
But could he find enough courage to open his heart, to be brave enough to hope and love again? Not on his life. Well, not in this life.
At least, not until Jim.
The stubborn man hadn't broken him, but had been determined to breach most of Blair's walls - and when Jim Ellison decided he wanted something, he went for the kill. No surrender for that man, which was a good thing.
Blair had been one cold little bitch, and nothing short of an ex-soldier on a mission could have made him cave in. Jim had always made good on his promises, but at first, he hadn't made any promises at all. That restraint had made Blair respect him more than he ever had anyone else. Love had come much later. After respect had come friendship, then finally love... slowly, almost painfully. Both men had a lot of baggage and, even though Blair liked to imagine Jim as the Prince Charming he'd dreamed of, for more or less all his childhood, their life was no fairytale. Sometimes it took hard work before you could reap the rewards.
With Jim, Blair had learned to release his fears and risk everything he had left to give. It took guts when you'd been betrayed over and over again, but you allowed yourself to trust once more. When hands had been raised to you in anger all your life, you needed courage to finally believe that, this time, a hand would only caress and give you pleasure. But somehow, he'd found the fortitude to forget the lessons of being so many times by people who were supposed to protect and cherish him, and he'd consented to love again.
Courage was hearing Jim say he loved him and wanted to be by his side for however long they had together, and believing him. Courage was saying "I love you" back, and having faith that he wouldn't be laughed at in return.
So when Jim called him his "strong little shit" in addition to his other niceties, Blair took it as the compliment it was meant to be. Because yeah, it took balls to admit you needed someone and to tell your fear to go fuck itself, and Blair expected to be rewarded for having the biggest balls in this relationship. And if it took all their lives before the fear finally disappeared? Well, so be it.
Fin
And the betaed version of the fic I mentioned in my last post was waiting in my inbox, so all in all, nice Mail Day lol
Title: By Reflection
Pairing : Jim/Blair
Category: AU
Author's Notes: Thanks go to
yami_tai and starwatcher307 for their ever precious help.Story Notes: This is set in my Night series, and I know not everyone knows about it so just in case someone is curious, the previous parts can be found here :
I Follow the Night
Prince Charming
In the Dark
Cross-posted at
sentinel_thurs. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. - Thomas Paine
Blair had realized fairly young that most people lived a dream, but were so self-centered that they didn't even see it.
They whined about not having the right brand of whatever fancy food they preferred, instead of looking at their fridge and being grateful that it was full. They complained about a small leak in their basement, when they should have been down on their knees thanking Whoever they believed in that they had a fucking roof above their heads to begin with. They bitched to their friends about their last vacation that had been so boring, instead of appreciating the change from their daily routine.
He had no sympathy for them when his own horizon had always been dirty streets and a sky that seemed to be permanently dark. The self-absorbed idiots complained about wives that were always too present, husbands that were always too absent, parents too overbearing and kids too ungrateful. Blair sometimes wondered whether such people deserved all they had, if they could dismiss it so easily.
He'd resented them at first, then come to realize that it wasn't their fault; it was just how things were and, like the rest of his shitty existence, he just had to accept it. When he'd grown a little older, he'd even understood that it was actually one of their privileges; having the freedom to complain about the smallest things when they had everything, gave them a sense of control and security. Not that it could redeem them in his eyes, but it helped alleviate some of the anger he felt toward those people who were incapable of appreciating all the wonders of their lives, when he himself hungered for just one-tenth of such riches.
Blair sometimes called them 'The Whiners', though not to Jim's face because the big guy kept calling him a "prejudiced little shit" and it was getting old, but they deserved it. It wasn't only that The Whiners and Blair saw 'good' and 'bad' in life so differently. He reckoned that they didn't know what courage was either, and that also irritated the hell out of him.
So maybe Jim was right and he was a prejudiced little shit, but what had he ever got from Them anyway? Oh, that was easy - absolutely nothing. Except for contemptuous looks, painful beatings and hard cocks angrily shoved into his body. His destiny wasn't exactly the happiest.
In Blair's opinion, courage wasn't starting a new career when you had willingly chosen to give up on the old one. It wasn't leaving mommy and daddy to go to college when you knew you had a family and a house to go back to if something went wrong, nor was it starting a new job on the other side of the country when you were the one who had decided to leave. It certainly wasn't starting on a new diet and going to the gym when you already looked like a fucking model; damn, but he hated those, whether they were men or women.
Such choices might demand determination and motivation, but courage? Hell no. Courage was an aspect that went much deeper. Courage was when you took real risks, when you put yourself in danger because you'd decided the goal was worth the hazard. And no, he wasn't talking about bungee jumping or skydiving. He meant something real.
Blair had always considered himself determined. Determined to go through another beating without crying, another rape without losing his mind. Determined to deal with another client and his disgusting demands without throwing up, to get up and live another day despite the emptiness surrounding him. He'd been motivated all right, because he would be damned if he ever let anyone break him.
But could he find enough courage to open his heart, to be brave enough to hope and love again? Not on his life. Well, not in this life.
At least, not until Jim.
The stubborn man hadn't broken him, but had been determined to breach most of Blair's walls - and when Jim Ellison decided he wanted something, he went for the kill. No surrender for that man, which was a good thing.
Blair had been one cold little bitch, and nothing short of an ex-soldier on a mission could have made him cave in. Jim had always made good on his promises, but at first, he hadn't made any promises at all. That restraint had made Blair respect him more than he ever had anyone else. Love had come much later. After respect had come friendship, then finally love... slowly, almost painfully. Both men had a lot of baggage and, even though Blair liked to imagine Jim as the Prince Charming he'd dreamed of, for more or less all his childhood, their life was no fairytale. Sometimes it took hard work before you could reap the rewards.
With Jim, Blair had learned to release his fears and risk everything he had left to give. It took guts when you'd been betrayed over and over again, but you allowed yourself to trust once more. When hands had been raised to you in anger all your life, you needed courage to finally believe that, this time, a hand would only caress and give you pleasure. But somehow, he'd found the fortitude to forget the lessons of being so many times by people who were supposed to protect and cherish him, and he'd consented to love again.
Courage was hearing Jim say he loved him and wanted to be by his side for however long they had together, and believing him. Courage was saying "I love you" back, and having faith that he wouldn't be laughed at in return.
So when Jim called him his "strong little shit" in addition to his other niceties, Blair took it as the compliment it was meant to be. Because yeah, it took balls to admit you needed someone and to tell your fear to go fuck itself, and Blair expected to be rewarded for having the biggest balls in this relationship. And if it took all their lives before the fear finally disappeared? Well, so be it.
Fin
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-11-25 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-25 02:34 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for the lovely feedback, Audra - this series being so special to me, each feedback is appreciated twice more somehow, I can't explain it. I'm so thrilled you liked this new little installment *g*
Cute icon btw! lol
no subject
Date: 2004-11-25 01:34 pm (UTC)What I liked most is how strong Blair is despite everything he has been through and the fact that Blair and Jim are making the most of their relationship, no matter how long it might last.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-25 02:46 pm (UTC)You know, I'm far from being perfect --even though I don't believe in perfection anyway-- and I'm not above petty behaviour myself now and then unfortunately, but if there's a 'principle' I really try to stick to, it's to try and not whine about stupid things when I have it all. That's something I really dislike, in myself and in others - and on LJ? You see it all the time.
Apparently these days I'm not as zen as I'd like to be, and I'm afraid Blair channelled some of my frustration *cough* At the same, I do believe that whining about the smallest thing is a privilege and a luxury not everyone can have and I try to be tolerant about it too because if you have the option to whine like this, well maybe you should take advantage of it somehow, but sometimes it seems it gets to me... and the fact that I'm more or less whining about whining didn't escape me btw - I love irony, really lol
But anyway if it did work in the context of the story, well good for both Blair and I *g*
And thanks again, because I'm really trying to show that Blair is damn strong in this series and in my head, he's not a victim either, so I'm glad if I pulled it off in your eyes *g*
no subject
Date: 2004-11-25 02:32 pm (UTC)I'm all happy and stuff now, but shall I comment here or over there? I think there, here can be kept for me going.
More Night Series! YAY!
no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 02:07 am (UTC)Yikes!
Date: 2004-11-25 04:40 pm (UTC)I just realized, in all our e-mails back and forth, I neglected to tell you how much I enjoyed this story. (Tunnel vision. Beta-side shuts off the comment-side of my brain. Sorry.)
But I did enjoy it, which continues to amaze me a little -- I generally don't like dark fic. But this universe works quite well, and I can easily see the damaged soldier and the damaged hooker banding together in mutual support. Blair is indeed a 'strong little shit', and I find that admirable, but Jim is also a 'strong big shit', living with his senses when he doesn't understand what they are or what's happening to him. I hope that this universe continues long enough that, some day, they find a way out of that depressing life and into something better.
Anyway, another excellent story. Thanks for sharing.
.
Re: Yikes!
Date: 2004-11-26 02:21 am (UTC)I definitely appreciate that you did tell me here because, well, feedbacks always make my day but feedbacks for this particular series are even a bit more special in my eyes, so thanks a lot *g*
And your not liking darkfics in general but liking mine is indeed a great compliment! It also shows that I managed to pull off what I wanted and boy, I'm all giddy at the thought!
Jim is a 'strong big shit' too, you're totally right - and among other things exactly for the reason you mentioned. He could have given up or gone insane but he always kept strong and it's tribute to his inner-strength and determination. Actually, in the new part I was working on before this one, I dealt with the zoning-out problem more in detail to show how frightening and maddening it is for Jim, and Blair of course. Even though it's not that long, I can't find the time to really sit down and finish the thing atm and it's not going to get easier with my job this month, so if I really can't do it before the holidays, I hope to have enough relaxing time during Christmas break to write everything down *g*
Anyway, all that to say thanks for the great feedback, and thanks for the interest, it means a lot *bows*
Re: Yikes!
Date: 2004-11-27 09:21 am (UTC)>>>usually assume first that they really didn't like it but didn't want to tell me, which always surprise me because you all know you can tell me if something didn't work<<<
Ah, but there's a difference between not liking something, and something that doesn't work. I'll jump right in and tell you if something 'doesn't work', and offer suggestions to improve it. If I don't like a story... well, I usually simply won't comment. But if I do LoC, I won't be quite so blunt, *g* -- I'll find something nice to say about it (like, "you handled it well") before I let the author down gently (I hope) by explaining that I didn't like it because it was "darker than I like" or "made me uncomfortable" or something like that. I have told people (not often, but when I feel like I really *should* comment) that, "I really didn't like this story, but you did an excellent job in the writing and characterization."
Truthfully, I usually read your "Night" universe with an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach -- it's so painfully real. But it's so damn good that I can't resist. As others have said, we still see the Jim and Blair that we know so well, transformed by their unpleasant circumstances, but still true to themselves and each other. So, I'll keep reading (and beta'ing -- thank you for the compliments) until you bring them to a more comfortable place of being.
Till then, I look forward to that next story. That's one advantage of being a beta -- I get to see things first! *bg*
.
Re: Yikes!
Date: 2004-11-29 03:40 am (UTC)Also, saying something like 'I didn't like your story because it was too dark' is actually a compliment. I mean, I don't know if everyone would think so, but that's how I see it. Now, saying you didn't like the story because it wasn't realistic enough, because you thought the characterisation was bad etc, well that's a real criticism.
And really, you can't imagine how happy you make me each time you show me that my story really touches you. I mean, it was supposed to make the readers react in some ways because yeah, it's definitely not the happy and care-free life we usually like to read for our guys, but I'm thrilled to see this particular universe is still working - and that it does sound 'painfully real' *g*
I'm not done with it yet but I hope to ease them slowly toward some more comfortable place, yes *g* Right now, Blair should be able to find a way to help Jim with his zone in a more assure way. We'll see how it goes lol
no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 12:25 am (UTC)That's most likely the hardest thing to do: write an character in an AU-setting but still giving glimpses of his canon-character traits. To me, that makes the difference between an AU and a "any guy who conincidentally wears the same name", which is basically original work that hides behind the label fanfiction.
You pulled that one off really fine. :-)
Pat
:-)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 04:37 am (UTC)That's beautiful Mouse!!
It's really fucking brilliant! Damn, I feel all tingly now!
I'm so so soooo happy your muse is back and feeling good!
Wow and look at what she brought along with her!
You had me glued to my monitor!
You rock, hon!
no subject
Date: 2004-11-26 01:08 pm (UTC)I'm so happy you liked my fic and relieved too that you weren't disappointed with this new part. Thanks again for keeping the time to tell me you enjoyed my story - you're a great ego booster *bows*
no subject
Date: 2007-07-13 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-14 08:11 pm (UTC)