X-post to sentinel_thurs

[castalie]

Here my response to Challenge 10.

This week's topic was doubt

Title: I'm Not
Show: The Sentinel
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Disclaimers: Not mine. Not making any money. No copyright infringement intended.
Warnings: language

I'm Not

I’m not gay.

Never was, never will be.

That is not what I am. Fucking men doesn’t make you gay. An ass is an ass. Women, men, what’s the difference? Sometimes I’ve got an itch, and yeah, I like to do guys too. That isn’t being gay. I don’t intend on taking it up the ass for one thing, and I can’t imagine myself being committed to a guy.

I know what kind of lives they face. I see the reactions, the whispers, the hatred. I heard it all in the military, I saw it all in Vice. And things aren’t so different in Major Crimes. I won’t ever be one of them.

I thought he understood. I thought he’d come to terms with it. I would fuck him, but it would never change anything. Blair is gay, and I don’t care, really. He can’t help it if he’s that way. He’s still my best friend. He’s still my Guide. And yeah, he’s fucking gorgeous too. He has the mouth of an angel and an ass to die for.

He also knows what to do with that hot body of his. I can admit that he makes my senses sing, in more ways than one. I’m not denying he turns me on like few people ever have, and I can’t get enough of being buried balls deep in him. But so what?

I’m looking at him, and he’s sitting on the couch. I know he’s trying to decide where he’s going to sleep tonight. I can see him trying to decide what’s good for him.

I know what he thinks. More precisely, I know what he's trying to make himself believe. He's telling himself that I do love him, in my own way, that I can be good to him, outside but also inside the bedroom, even though, so far, he hasn’t really seen it.

He’s trying to tell himself it may be a Sentinel/Guide thing - I'm not really myself when I get like this, it's not really me doing this to him. He tells himself that I can't really like it like that, rough and violent all the time, but that I need to do it this way for now, so I can leave my doubts and my fears behind. I need to claim him, to prove to myself he’s really here, with me.

I’m a possessive son of a bitch, so he’s not so far off base, in a way.

But I also know that, deep inside, he doesn't believe a word. So, that's when he tries to tell himself he does like it rough after all - he doesn't need me being slow, or tender, or even remotely loving, because he's a guy, and guys don't really care or need tenderness or love, right? He's trying to persuade himself that it doesn't really hurt him - physically or mentally. And I know that’s not true either. It hurts him so deeply each time. His expectations are always shattered. I know that. But it’s his fault.

Why doesn’t he understand? I’m just fucking him. I never pretended otherwise. I’m not gay. I don’t love men. I don’t love him. Not that way. Nor will I ever. I don’t really want to hurt him, I just want him to understand, that’s all.

I’m not gay.

I’m not.

And I don’t love him…

So why do I feel like he’s going to shatter something in me if he decides to desert my bed tonight?

Why?

Fin

Comments

[alinewrites.livejournal.com]

Very good!
This guy... He just lives in denial, doesn't he?

[castalie.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Aline *g* It's been quite some time since I wrote something, and I must say it felt good *g*

Yeah, sometimes, it seems that there's Jim's picture right under 'denial' in the dictionary lol

[alinewrites.livejournal.com]

Just above Chris' picture? I guess yes!

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

it seems that there's Jim's picture right under 'denial' in the dictionary

did I mention I love Jim? No? Well I do lol - I'm all for denial myself *sticks tongue out*

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

this is so sweet! I especially like the last line (okay, second to last): So why do I feel like he’s going to shatter something in *me* if he decides to desert my bed tonight?

[castalie.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm kinda proud of that line too. I had to choose the right one to convey Jim's real feelings, and since it was the last line --and okay, technically, second to last-- it had to be 'striking' know what I mean? So, definitely glad you liked it *g*

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

and okay, technically, second to last

it's even better that it's not technically the last line - it conveys more the feeling that it's part of his thoughts, and we all know thoughts don't stop at one great moving line *g*

[castalie.livejournal.com]

Well, that not-last-line was even better than what I thought, then *g*

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

bah, you're a genius, I tell you! lol

[castalie.livejournal.com]

*preens*

PS: Look at that, I just did a one-liner in a comment! As usual, don't pay attention to the PS thing.

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

how many times do I have to tell you that in order to make a *real* one-liner comment, we mustn't comment on the fact that we made a one-liner comment *rotfl*

actually, it's more fun that way: I hate one-liners lol

[castalie.livejournal.com]

I know, I know, theoretically you're right, but-- but this is always so surprising and everything! I think we can't not comment on the fact that we're doing a one-liner.

[babycakesin.livejournal.com]

I know, I know, theoretically you're right, but-- but this is always so surprising and everything! I think we can't not comment on the fact that we're doing a one-liner.

*hugs Mousey tight* you're just fantastic - I love your comments on one-liners, please don't ever, ever stop making them *hugs more*