Supernatural 1x16 - Shadow
Mar. 2nd, 2006 01:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
castalieMy godfather and aunt spent the night. Today is his first chemo session. I'm a bit edgy as a result. Thing is, so far, no one ever went through heavy chemo in the family; they either had light chemo or no chemo at all as it would have been too hard for them since they were too weak to begin with. So it's something brand new, and as usual when something is new and unknown, it's also a bit scary. But okay we're not completely in the dark. Far from it, actually. The doc who's taking care of parrain as far as the chemo goes is wonderful. He's been extremely straightforward with both my godfather and aunt, and he didn't hold his punches, which is exactly what both of them wanted. So we know what to expect, to a certain extent; I guess each person reacts their own way to that kind of thing. I'm hoping tatie will call us later today or tonight to let us know how it worked.
Parrain was his confident and cheery self yesterday. He also had his hair cut short; real short, think buzz cut. He works in a military school so he knew where to go for that *g* He said it's to make other people more comfortable with the idea of him losing his hair. The weirdest thing? Is that it reminded me of that XF fic where Mulder has cancer and does the same thing for the exact same reason. When life meets fanfic *rolls eyes*
Anyway, tatie was knackered so she went to bed early, and parrain stayed with The Esu and I. He spent three hours - til around midnight, I think - telling us stories of the time he was in the army and man, we laughed so much we almost burst something, I swear! lol He was in commando training and he has thousands of stories to tell. I swear he should write a book or something.
By midnight, The Esu left and parrain went to bed and that's when my mind started to get in all kind of directions and dude, that's never a good thing *shakes head*
As a result, I have the feeling I wasn't 100% in the right headspace for "Shadow". I don't know. But! There were two things I loved more than words can ever express during that episode, and I think everyone who's seen it knows what I'm talking about:
1- God, Dean breaks my heart! That scene between him and Sam in the motel room? Second favourite scene for me in the whole series! The first one is the Phone Call from "Journey Home", of course. But that new scene comes close - real close. It was so fucking heartbreaking. This, the whole scene, this is why I love Dean the way I do. He makes me feel for his character so, so much! He makes me ache for him. This need he has - this so very simple need that can't ever be satisfied, it's killing me. The "But there's gotta be something that you want for yourself" "Yeah I don't want you to leave the second this is all over, Sam" exchange has to be the saddest thing ever! Not in a pathetic way but in a my-heart-is-breaking-in-a-million-little-pieces way.
I mean, Dean doesn't hide anything here, he's not hiding behind his smart ass persona, he's not trying to diminish the impact of his words by some snarky comments, he's completely vulnerable and open and honest and he tells Sam everything he wants, everything he needs; for Sam not to leave again, for Sam, John and him to be together, to be a family again and what does he get in return? Nothing. Or only the painful acceptance that he will not get it.
Sam wants it all, the normal life, the normal job, maybe a normal family once he can make his peace with Jess' death and Dean? He just wants one thing, for the three of them be a family again. The fucked-upness of their lives doesn't matter, it's not important. Daddy and Sam, they are what is important.
Seriously, it's all he wants... this is it for Dean; nothing more, just his family beside him, and, you know, it's also so sad because it's such a simple desire. I mean, it shouldn't be such a heartbreaking or even difficult demand. Except it is because Dean knows he won't have it and yet? He still hopes and hopes and hopes... His "it could be" when Sam goes "things will never be the way they were before" almost did me in. For reals.
God, I LOVE YOU DEAN!
I try to think of all the different levels of hurt we have in that scene and the count is quite high. Right from the start it's painful. I mean, can you imagine? Sam is so excited about them maybe finally killing The Big Bad Thing, so excited and happy about the whole hunt to be finally over and it starts to hurt right here because we know that, basically, what Dean is hearing right this moment is how happy Sam will be once he leaves Dean behind. Dude! What Dean has going is an abandonment issue to end all abandonment issues!
And then Sam is like "I'd anything for you" except it's not true because he won't do this and just - man, Dean breaks my heart, is all. Note that I'm not criticising Sam, btw. I can't help but siding with Dean and thinking "God, Sam, please say something to make him feel better, do something to fix it, fix him, because can't you see what you're doing to him?" But he has the right to have his own life. I do understand it, I don't have to like it - not when it's breaking my guy ;-)
Jensen Ackles is my hero! The way he owns his part each time he does an emotional scene... it's pure love. The teary eyes, the lingering and so intense hopeful-but-hurt looks... PURE LOVE, I tell you! Actually, know what? I love him so much that I would be ready to watch the Smallville episodes he played in. Yes, me, Mousey Mouse, would accept to watch Smallville because of Teh Ackles. Now, if that's not love? I don't know what is! And, you know,
Nan told me that some of his episodes were bad, in particular by the end and those are some of the scariest words in the English language, imho.
But anyway, let's move on:
2- Daddy!Winchester... oh Daddy, I LOVE YOU SO!
But no, let's be organised. Let's start with the beginning. So, to be honest, I was ready - as in ready - for a big disillusion. I'd braced myself from the time I saw the preview for the revelation that Daddy was in fact, not!Daddy - a fake, a shapeshifter, an illusion, whatever, but I was ready for that. So imagine my surprise when I realised that no, he was the real thing! I mean, wow! He was the true article and the reunion I'd been waiting for the past fifteen episodes was going to happen and er, my little heart almost couldn't take the excitement!
Then we had the "Hello boys" and the teary eyes - that's a family thing, yay! - and the hug and I was done! They gave me a John-Dean hug, a real honest to god hug. Not one of those stupid manly I'm-breaking-your-back-by-my-manly-pats hug no a real one and I LOVE YOU SPN WRITERS FOR GIVING ME THIS!
Dean has been waiting for that moment forever and he never lost faith in the man and though Daddy never called back, Dean still left him messages and finally! Finally he was there and they could touch and just - man, I wanted to cry!
I was happy for Sam too, btw. Not just because he was finally reunited with him but because he had the opportunity to really make his peace with him and them both with what happened when Sam left for college and that was just beautiful. Also, how much did I love the following :
Daddy: Listen Sammy... last time we were together we had one hell of a fight.
Sam: Yes sir
Daddy:It's good to see you again. It's been a long time.
Sam: Too long.
A lot? Yes, understatement of the year. Sam was perfect in that scene - Jared Padalecki was perfect in that scene.
Incidentally, how much did I love it when Dean and Sam said "yes, sir" in unison? A lot? DUDE! Are you trying to make me cry?
So I was happy for Dean and I was happy for Sam and I was happy for John because he was finally with his boys and! I was just thrilled for myself because, you know, I've loved Daddy from the start, I've been kinda fascinated with the Daddy-Dean relationship from the pilot too and to actually see and listen to John with Sam and Dean? Filled me with glee. I mean, he cares for his sons so fucking much! It's there for all to see and yeah, the man has his flaws and there are things he could - should? - have done differently but I don't care because I've always known he loved his sons and now I've seen it for real and it made my heart sing!
Which means that when they had to go their separate ways... I wanted to cry again. And for the writers to pick Dean as the one who actually makes the decision and says the words? That was a streak of genius! He'd already killed me during Teh Big Talk scene and now he was making me, like, deader because NO you can't be saying this, Dean! It was like everything was escaping from him: first he had to accept that Sam would leave once the whole mess is over and here he was letting his father go after having him back for, what, less than an hour? Hey SPN writers? Go on, don't hold anything back, just kill us all, why don't you? *is ded*
And sure, it was sad for Sam, he was the one who had to literally go of his dad and yeah okay I get it, it was heartbreaking, all right? But okay, I've seen Sam resent and bitch and moan about his father for more than half the season - and he changed his mind and he finally realised Daddy did what he could for them and that he was a good father if not a perfect one and I love how he grew up in that regard and all but he just reached that point recently whereas Dean was always there so yes, it was sad for both but Dean broke my heart more - and anyway I'm biased and I know it, so there :-)
Oh and I loved Dean's "NO" when first Daddy then Sam were hit by the Mean Shadows.
So, that's it *cough*
Something else that makes me smile is the sense of loyalty I sometimes feel toward Jeffrey Dean Morgan because I remember watching Burning Zone every saturday when it aired in France and how Dr Marcase was my favourite among the characters and how I stopped watching when he left and all and dude! I was a fan before, eek!
Parrain was his confident and cheery self yesterday. He also had his hair cut short; real short, think buzz cut. He works in a military school so he knew where to go for that *g* He said it's to make other people more comfortable with the idea of him losing his hair. The weirdest thing? Is that it reminded me of that XF fic where Mulder has cancer and does the same thing for the exact same reason. When life meets fanfic *rolls eyes*
Anyway, tatie was knackered so she went to bed early, and parrain stayed with The Esu and I. He spent three hours - til around midnight, I think - telling us stories of the time he was in the army and man, we laughed so much we almost burst something, I swear! lol He was in commando training and he has thousands of stories to tell. I swear he should write a book or something.
By midnight, The Esu left and parrain went to bed and that's when my mind started to get in all kind of directions and dude, that's never a good thing *shakes head*
As a result, I have the feeling I wasn't 100% in the right headspace for "Shadow". I don't know. But! There were two things I loved more than words can ever express during that episode, and I think everyone who's seen it knows what I'm talking about:
- Teh Big Talk
- Teh Big Reunion
1- God, Dean breaks my heart! That scene between him and Sam in the motel room? Second favourite scene for me in the whole series! The first one is the Phone Call from "Journey Home", of course. But that new scene comes close - real close. It was so fucking heartbreaking. This, the whole scene, this is why I love Dean the way I do. He makes me feel for his character so, so much! He makes me ache for him. This need he has - this so very simple need that can't ever be satisfied, it's killing me. The "But there's gotta be something that you want for yourself" "Yeah I don't want you to leave the second this is all over, Sam" exchange has to be the saddest thing ever! Not in a pathetic way but in a my-heart-is-breaking-in-a-million-little-pieces way.
I mean, Dean doesn't hide anything here, he's not hiding behind his smart ass persona, he's not trying to diminish the impact of his words by some snarky comments, he's completely vulnerable and open and honest and he tells Sam everything he wants, everything he needs; for Sam not to leave again, for Sam, John and him to be together, to be a family again and what does he get in return? Nothing. Or only the painful acceptance that he will not get it.
Sam wants it all, the normal life, the normal job, maybe a normal family once he can make his peace with Jess' death and Dean? He just wants one thing, for the three of them be a family again. The fucked-upness of their lives doesn't matter, it's not important. Daddy and Sam, they are what is important.
Seriously, it's all he wants... this is it for Dean; nothing more, just his family beside him, and, you know, it's also so sad because it's such a simple desire. I mean, it shouldn't be such a heartbreaking or even difficult demand. Except it is because Dean knows he won't have it and yet? He still hopes and hopes and hopes... His "it could be" when Sam goes "things will never be the way they were before" almost did me in. For reals.
God, I LOVE YOU DEAN!
I try to think of all the different levels of hurt we have in that scene and the count is quite high. Right from the start it's painful. I mean, can you imagine? Sam is so excited about them maybe finally killing The Big Bad Thing, so excited and happy about the whole hunt to be finally over and it starts to hurt right here because we know that, basically, what Dean is hearing right this moment is how happy Sam will be once he leaves Dean behind. Dude! What Dean has going is an abandonment issue to end all abandonment issues!
And then Sam is like "I'd anything for you" except it's not true because he won't do this and just - man, Dean breaks my heart, is all. Note that I'm not criticising Sam, btw. I can't help but siding with Dean and thinking "God, Sam, please say something to make him feel better, do something to fix it, fix him, because can't you see what you're doing to him?" But he has the right to have his own life. I do understand it, I don't have to like it - not when it's breaking my guy ;-)
Jensen Ackles is my hero! The way he owns his part each time he does an emotional scene... it's pure love. The teary eyes, the lingering and so intense hopeful-but-hurt looks... PURE LOVE, I tell you! Actually, know what? I love him so much that I would be ready to watch the Smallville episodes he played in. Yes, me, Mousey Mouse, would accept to watch Smallville because of Teh Ackles. Now, if that's not love? I don't know what is! And, you know,
Nan told me that some of his episodes were bad, in particular by the end and those are some of the scariest words in the English language, imho.But anyway, let's move on:
2- Daddy!Winchester... oh Daddy, I LOVE YOU SO!
But no, let's be organised. Let's start with the beginning. So, to be honest, I was ready - as in ready - for a big disillusion. I'd braced myself from the time I saw the preview for the revelation that Daddy was in fact, not!Daddy - a fake, a shapeshifter, an illusion, whatever, but I was ready for that. So imagine my surprise when I realised that no, he was the real thing! I mean, wow! He was the true article and the reunion I'd been waiting for the past fifteen episodes was going to happen and er, my little heart almost couldn't take the excitement!
Then we had the "Hello boys" and the teary eyes - that's a family thing, yay! - and the hug and I was done! They gave me a John-Dean hug, a real honest to god hug. Not one of those stupid manly I'm-breaking-your-back-by-my-manly-pats hug no a real one and I LOVE YOU SPN WRITERS FOR GIVING ME THIS!
Dean has been waiting for that moment forever and he never lost faith in the man and though Daddy never called back, Dean still left him messages and finally! Finally he was there and they could touch and just - man, I wanted to cry!
I was happy for Sam too, btw. Not just because he was finally reunited with him but because he had the opportunity to really make his peace with him and them both with what happened when Sam left for college and that was just beautiful. Also, how much did I love the following :
Daddy: Listen Sammy... last time we were together we had one hell of a fight.
Sam: Yes sir
Daddy:It's good to see you again. It's been a long time.
Sam: Too long.
A lot? Yes, understatement of the year. Sam was perfect in that scene - Jared Padalecki was perfect in that scene.
Incidentally, how much did I love it when Dean and Sam said "yes, sir" in unison? A lot? DUDE! Are you trying to make me cry?
So I was happy for Dean and I was happy for Sam and I was happy for John because he was finally with his boys and! I was just thrilled for myself because, you know, I've loved Daddy from the start, I've been kinda fascinated with the Daddy-Dean relationship from the pilot too and to actually see and listen to John with Sam and Dean? Filled me with glee. I mean, he cares for his sons so fucking much! It's there for all to see and yeah, the man has his flaws and there are things he could - should? - have done differently but I don't care because I've always known he loved his sons and now I've seen it for real and it made my heart sing!
Which means that when they had to go their separate ways... I wanted to cry again. And for the writers to pick Dean as the one who actually makes the decision and says the words? That was a streak of genius! He'd already killed me during Teh Big Talk scene and now he was making me, like, deader because NO you can't be saying this, Dean! It was like everything was escaping from him: first he had to accept that Sam would leave once the whole mess is over and here he was letting his father go after having him back for, what, less than an hour? Hey SPN writers? Go on, don't hold anything back, just kill us all, why don't you? *is ded*
And sure, it was sad for Sam, he was the one who had to literally go of his dad and yeah okay I get it, it was heartbreaking, all right? But okay, I've seen Sam resent and bitch and moan about his father for more than half the season - and he changed his mind and he finally realised Daddy did what he could for them and that he was a good father if not a perfect one and I love how he grew up in that regard and all but he just reached that point recently whereas Dean was always there so yes, it was sad for both but Dean broke my heart more - and anyway I'm biased and I know it, so there :-)
Oh and I loved Dean's "NO" when first Daddy then Sam were hit by the Mean Shadows.
So, that's it *cough*
Something else that makes me smile is the sense of loyalty I sometimes feel toward Jeffrey Dean Morgan because I remember watching Burning Zone every saturday when it aired in France and how Dr Marcase was my favourite among the characters and how I stopped watching when he left and all and dude! I was a fan before, eek!
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Date: 2006-03-02 12:25 pm (UTC)also ..... GOD i can't WAIT for my exams to be over, so i can download aaaaaaalll of SPN and aaaaaaaall of Prison Break and finally catch up with you guys! i feel so out of it lately!
finally
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Date: 2006-03-02 12:26 pm (UTC)as i was saying, finally something to look forward to in this whole mess! :)
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 08:59 pm (UTC)And think that when you'll finally be free, you won't even have to wait for the downloads, we'll just burn the episodes for you et voilà *g*
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Date: 2006-03-02 02:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 03:20 pm (UTC)Now, on to SPN. I agree with every single thing you said. Hell, just reading your review made me almost cry again. I don't really get when exactly it went from a shallow, "oh, look, pretty boys" thing, to an "OMG THE ANGST AND BRILLIANT ACTING" thing, but I'm sure glad it did.
Also, this was the second (?) recent episode with a hot guns part and how much am I loving that? *g*
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:03 pm (UTC)"oh, look, pretty boys" thing, to an "OMG THE ANGST AND BRILLIANT ACTING" thing, but I'm sure glad it did.
Omg I know! It happened while we weren't watching, which is pretty ironical considering lol But like you, I'm so glad it happened *bounces*
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Date: 2006-03-02 03:39 pm (UTC)I'll be in my bunk.
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:09 pm (UTC)But it's so true *hearts* have you heard of the little community myself and
Join!! You'll like it :D!
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:11 pm (UTC)AND OMG NO I DIDN'T KNOW OF THAT COMM!
Did I mention that I loved you? Oh yeah, a thousand times lol
*off to join*
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:15 pm (UTC)And hurrah!!! We're currently looks for fanart, vids, pictures, fics, anything! Go! Off and contribute your glorious fics and rants!
SVP ;)
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Date: 2006-03-05 03:19 pm (UTC)Lol I'll try to remember that *g* Thanks for the compliment, btw :-)
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Date: 2006-03-09 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 05:24 pm (UTC)*hugs just because*
Your SPN posts rules yet again. You say everything I want to in a much better way. You rock.
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:07 pm (UTC)Lol Always happy to hear someone else enjoyed my reviews *g*
Also, re the last mail I sent today? I'm seriously worried about Clark now; it seems whenever I do something, it just shuts down. It's apparently not a virus but what I know is that it's not working!
I'm on Charlie right now but I can only post short comments, and even those have to be short - or else he refuses to load them *sigh* - nothing else, I'm afraid...
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:46 pm (UTC)I hate the thought of Clark being sick, especially as he's come through so much before.
I know it's a little thing in relation to poor Clark, but do you want me to get ST? It may ease your stress a little at least.
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Date: 2006-03-02 06:02 pm (UTC)And Dean was absolutely wonderful, his face when he watched Sam and Dad hug it was like 'I've got my family back'.
And then they both had to let go at the end. So painful, so heartbreakingly sad.
Sam HAS to let go of his part in the fight for now, has to let go of the father he just found after two years again...you just KNOW that was a shoutout to the Sam decides to leave to go to Stanford argument. 'You have to let me go.' Oh damn.
And Dean...Dean finally has his tiny little family together again, alright they're broken, and bruised and exhausted but they're TOGETHER, and then he has to let that go, to save his father and I believe his brother too.
Oh god, my heart.
BEST EPISODE OF THE SEASON COMPLETELY FOR ME.
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Date: 2006-03-02 09:10 pm (UTC)The last ten minutes of the episode was torture! Seeing them all together, FINALLY, and them having to separate... that was so bloody heartbreaking!
They all had to learn to 'let go' in that episode, didn't they? It sure hurt... but it hurt good ;-)
They BROKE our hearts with that ep, I hope they're proud of themselves!
They totally should be, too lolno subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-05 02:43 pm (UTC)Omg that would kill me! And not in a good way lol That would be the twist to end all twists, wouldn't it? But know what? I'm not sure I'd trust the writers to be that gutsy or that 'smart'... I don't know...
Also, I read your mail before Clark died on me but I lost it with the rest, so if you wouldn't mind sending it again to me? Cause it was really interesting and I'd like to reply *g*
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Date: 2006-03-05 03:18 pm (UTC)I'll resend the email, but I warn you I was in a *mood* when I wrote it; so, I'm totally angsting overtime! LOL
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Date: 2006-03-02 10:22 pm (UTC)And to everything on SPN: Oh hell yes :)
I love Dean (and Jensen for playing him beautifully) so much and it really hurts when he's getting rejected even if Sams not really to blame. (still get mad at him for it though:) I had a lot of fun with the whole 'trying to get Sam laid' part too :p
And dad...
*sniffles* He had tears in his eyes THE WHOLE TIME!! And the hugging my GOD the hugging! I've rewatched that scene an obscene amount of times (the first one has an insanely irritating sync problem, so I've only watched it 2 times:) and EVERY hug I almost cry. I'm not emotionally built for this much emo, I'm not! *sniffles again*
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Date: 2006-03-05 02:45 pm (UTC)I think the one thing I blame Sam for is being really insensitive. It's like, okay, I get that he wants a normal life and that he's thinking of leaving Dean behind but can't he at least try to really hear his brother and understand why it hurts him so much? That's the one thing I dislike about Sam, how he seems so clueless sometimes as far as Dean's feelings go.
Daddy ROCKED! I love the man so fucking much, yay! I can't wait to see him again, I want him baaaack!
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Date: 2006-03-05 11:21 pm (UTC)I think he's just so used to Dean always being the strong one, he just assumes that he doesn't get hurt. It's like in asylum, he appologises for shooting Dean, and then when Dean seems upset he says "do we need to talk about this?" as if it's really weird. He's so used to Dean pulling thorugh and taking care of him, it's like a child that's never seen it's parents cry and therefore think that they never can lose it like that.
But I kinda blame him too, so :P
I can't wait to see him again, I want him baaaack!
If I remember my spoilers right, he'll come back for at least the season finale (and the one before that, but II'm not sure). And yeah, I personally think he should've been in every episode from now until the end of the season. I'm just so scared thay're gonna kill him off in the finale *cries a little at the thought of it*
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Date: 2006-03-02 10:25 pm (UTC)I hope everything goes well for your parrain. He seems like such a strong person.
If you want to meet this week-end (or not, because I'd totally understand if you want to spend time with your family) just says so, ok? *hugs*
*spn squee*
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Date: 2006-03-05 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 10:36 pm (UTC)And you're not kidding about not being in the best frame of mind, given how OMG ANGSTY "Shadow" turned out to be.
I mean, Dean doesn't hide anything here, he's not hiding behind his smart ass persona, he's not trying to diminish the impact of his words by some snarky comments, he's completely vulnerable and open and honest
That's the first thing that really hit me hard about that scene. It was so completely different from every other important conversation they've had, because Dean had totally let down his defenses. Dean's habit of hiding behind snark and avoiding dealing with big issues by playing the tough guy has been a character trait we've associated with him since the beginning -- the "dude, no chick flick moments" comment, for example. So it was really hard-hitting to see him stop all of that and just be open and honest.
(That's why Dean's vulnerability always hits me harder than Sam's; Sam wears his heart on his sleeve and even when he denies anything's wrong, it's always really obvious how he's feeling, and he's always more likely to broach the subject. Dean, on the other hand, only lets his feelings slip when he can't help it, and is always quick to cover it back up again as soon as he can; he relies so heavily on bravado and laughing it all off, that when he let's go and we glimpse some of the real pain and emotion, it's a very big deal.)
Then when you stop to consider why he was being so openly vulnerable, you come to realize how MUCH his dream of being together as a family really means to him. This is not just something he wants. This is EVERYTHING to him -- bigger even than the hunt for their mother's killer, bigger than ANYTHING. It's so important to him that he can't even joke about it anymore, he needs it so badly.
What's more, Sam has been dashing Dean's hopes to dust from the very beginning, and I think it's been wearing Dean down until he got to this point. Sam fought him so hard in the beginning, and practically had to be dragged around, you know? Then he was constantly bitching about their father and expressing all this intense resentment for John, which was not only very frustrating for Dean, but also had to be pretty painful when you consider how MUCH Dean loves his father and just how utterly devoted he is to him. And then Sam's resentment of Dean too, expressed over and over again -- trying to kill him in "Asylum" and leaving him in "Scarecrow" and now talking to some random chick about Dean being some kind of bastard who treats Sam terribly. That has to KILL Dean, when he loves Sam so much, and just wants them to be a family, and here's Sam always hating the hunt that binds them together, hating their father, and in some ways hating Dean. Dean's not blind, he's seen all of this, and it's HAD to have added up.
... and then Sam tells him point-blank that Dean's dream is never going to happen. "I'd do anything for you" except for this, sorry man. And Dean's nightmare -- the one the shapeshifter showed us -- was coming true all over again: everyone leaves him.
Kripke? This is the sound of my heart breaking.
Someone elsewhere said Dean has co-dependency issues, but I don't think that's what this is. I agree with you that it's abandonment issues. Dean can live without Sam and have a life apart from Sam, as he's proven. But he can't stand Sam leaving him, because everyone leaves him. He lost Mary, and then he lost Sam, and then he lost Cassie, and then he lost their father, and just as he gets Sam back again, Sam's telling him he's going to leave him again -- and he doesn't even seem SORRY about it, he's laughing, like "Dean, are you nuts?" like he can't even GET how important this is to Dean. It's abandonment, through and through.
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Date: 2006-03-02 10:37 pm (UTC)(Like everyone else, I can't fault Sam for wanting to go back to that normal life he fought so hard for in the first place, which he never wanted to give up to start the hunt again. But I DO fault Sam for being blind and insensitive. How could he not see how vulnerable Dean was, and how important this was to him? How could he so casually dismiss Dean's hopes like that, and not even treat it very seriously? It really bothered me how oblivious Sam was acting, because it made the situation go from being tragic to outright cruel.)
They gave me a John-Dean hug, a real honest to god hug.
That hug killed me. It couldn't have been better. It was the embodiment of EVERYTHING we've been waiting and hoping for, and it really truly proved us right about John and Dean. So often I get attached to these notions of relationships, and then canon never quite fulfills my expectations, or never shows me the proof, but this hug fulfilled ALL my expectations and MORE and we couldn't ask for better proof that Dean loves his father so fucking much and John loves his boy right back.
(And I kind of wonder if during that hug, John was thinking about Sam's phonecall in "Faith"; he knew Dean got better, obviously, but there had to be a point where he DIDN'T know, and was thinking about his boy out there dying and not being able to go to him, and given that this episode showed us how his one weak point is how he feels he has to protect his sons, GOD how much that must have killed him. So I wonder if he was thinking about that as they hugged; "my boy's not dead, he's here, he's fine, I didn't lose him.")
And then OH MY GOD John and Dean are so much alike. Did you notice that? Am I imagining it? Somehow they even LOOKED alike. They even TALKED alike (they responded to things the same way, and had similar trace accents that Sam doesn't appear to have). And the CARS. Dean is so John Jr. And it's such an incredible insight into their relationship, how Dean grew up to be so much like his father.
I felt more for Dean during the end scene, too. For one, he seemed to be worse off physically -- the way he was carrying himself so gingerly and standing huddled over the same way he did in "Faith" whereas Sam didn't seem quite as affected for some reason -- so I was already responding to that. As for letting go, how much did it have to kill Dean to be the one to let John go? It's like Daniel shooting Thor's Hammer to free Teal'c -- it would've sucked if Jack or Sam had done it, but how much worse was it to have to do himself? Dean has to live with knowing that HE told John to go. But most importantly, to Sam it was less about losing John and more about losing his chance to go after Jess' killer. That's always been his issue from the start, and that's what he was letting go of. Yes, missing his dad was surely part of it, but that wasn't his big conflict. And John reassured him that he'd still have his part to play, to not worry about that. And then Dean's standing there, and it's not about the hunt for him, not really, it's about losing his damn family. Alllll that stuff I just said up there. He's losing his dad AGAIN and this time he has to let him go.
(That's not to say I didn't feel for Sam during all of this, because I did, but I couldn't help feeling like what was going on with Dean often in the background while Sam angsted in the spotlight was much more poignant and important to the character.)
Shoot, I've rambled enough. XD I should just do this in my own journal some time, huh?
(I've been searching like CRAZY for fic with Dean and John ever since "Shadow" was over XD)
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Date: 2006-03-05 03:16 pm (UTC)DUDE lol Exactly what I was telling in the previous comment :-) Awesome *g* Yes, we completely agree here - a hundred per cent.
It was the embodiment of EVERYTHING we've been waiting and hoping for, and it really truly proved us right about John and Dean
It did, didn't it? I'm so grateful because the writers could have messed up with that scene so easily, but they kept the intensity and emotions at a very high level and they gave us what we've been waiting for and my love for that scene, it knows no bounds!
So I wonder if he was thinking about that as they hugged; "my boy's not dead, he's here, he's fine, I didn't lose him
I don't know if, in the writers' minds, that's what he was thinking, but I choose to see that scene from that angle, too *nods*
John and Dean are so much alike
They are, they so are. I can't talk about the accent - unless it's incredibly blatant, I usually don't really 'get' the differences, I'm blaming my not being an American, or not an native English speaker, here - but the rest, of yes!
And it's such an incredible insight into their relationship, how Dean grew up to be so much like his father.
*nods* I can't get enough of those two together - or even apart, obviously. There's something so strong between them... I long for fics which focus on their relationship, I'm also dying to know more of the time when it was just the two of them on the road. I hope my muse will give me ideas for more fics with them, actually, I would love to write something new with those two.
Shoot, I've rambled enough. XD I should just do this in my own journal some time, huh?
Lol You should. Though from a very selfish point of view, as long as I get to hear about your 'rambling' on my journal, I'll be happy :-)
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Date: 2006-03-05 02:58 pm (UTC)Thank you *hugs*
is not just something he wants. This is EVERYTHING to him
Yes, yes! Dean's need to have his family with him is almost humbling at times. I mean, the rest doesn't matter, he just wants this ONE thing. It's like being hungry for something; it's painful, it's raw, and the fact that it's never satisfied makes it so much more painful.
he doesn't even seem SORRY about it, he's laughing, like "Dean, are you nuts?" like he can't even GET how important this is to Dean.
Again, yes! I was just talking about it in a comment above. See, I can't fault Sam for wanting what he wants - though a friend talked about Sam's need under a different light and I was like wow! - but I can fault him for being selfish in the way he treats Dean because he's so fucking insensitive. He has been dashing Dean's hopes of ever getting his family back from day one. Sam seems to never hear what Dean is really saying, or never translate what he can't say. How can he not know what it means to Dean? And say Dean usually tries to hide it? He wasn't hiding it this time, he wasn't hiding anything. And what is Sam's first reaction? Practically mocking Dean. I mean... just look at what is in front of you, man. You're hurting Dean, can't you show some fucking consideration? He kinda redeemed himself when he was like 'aww Dean I'm sorry, I love you but it can't go the way it was' but I can't help but thinking he's very tactless and insensitive when Dean is concerned. And you're right, it also showed in the way he used to talk about their dad.
Also, I fucking hated his line to Meg, the whole 'back off, he means well.' Excuse me? He means well? It felt like he was actually validating Meg's stupid, ignorant and fucking mean comments, almost as if he was saying 'yes, I do mean what I told you but that's just Dean being Dean, it's not his fault'. Fuck, I hated that moment! Afterwards he tries to amend what he said, but whatever, that little line to Meg? Sucked.
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Date: 2006-03-03 07:53 pm (UTC)And *hugs* for you as well.
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Date: 2006-03-05 03:17 pm (UTC)