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ts_ficathons - Entry #2
Jul. 15th, 2005 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
castalieNothing was wrong with them.
Not in bed at least.
The room was heavy with spent lust - almost uncomfortably hot, due to the two bodies that had spent hours learning each other, bringing each other to the brink of orgasm before backing down, only to tease all over again, until neither man had been able to resist anymore and they'd both given free rein to their passion.
"God, Chief," Jim rasped, breathing deeply. "You killed me."
"I killed you? You're kidding, man. I'll feel you all week."
Jim knew better than to ask whether he'd hurt Blair - his friend would take it as an insult - so he just hauled the other man to him, manhandling his body so that Blair was plastered against his front, chest against chest, his head comfortably resting on Jim's shoulder.
"Am I situated to your satisfaction, Ellison?" Blair asked, amused.
"You are, Sandburg. Thanks for asking."
"You ass."
"Aren't you the one who always say that you are what you eat?"
"God," Blair burst out laughing. "I can't believe you said that."
Jim smiled, loving how Blair's laughter was making his body shake, sending all kind of nice feelings to his cock. He was spent right now, but he still enjoyed the soft teasing.
"I've been wondering how good you were in bed."
Jim looked down at Blair, waiting for the rest. "Yes?" If the kid wanted to flatter his ego, he wasn't going to stop him.
A puff of air against his collarbone told him Blair was having fun just now, making him sweat a little. Except that the screams he'd dragged out of the other man had already told the story. Still... Jim didn't mind actually hearing the words.
"You were better than I thought, big guy," was the soft reply.
Jim felt a change of mood and just kissed the top of his lover's hair, not joking about how he'd rated or how good Blair had been. He had a lot of baggage in his life but, when it came to sex, Sandburg had more than he could ever imagine. Jim knew he was trading on fragile ground, so he didn't say anything, just held the body even closer.
Now that they were both calming down from the rush, he could appreciate the situation for what it had been - pure madness. Pure Jim and Blair, in a way.
They'd had yet another heated argument - in Jim's apartment, which would certainly cause him to lose even more points with his neighbors. They'd thrown insults at each other, they'd even gone as far as shoving each other like those stupid kids you sometimes saw on the street, all macho posturing, and then, out of nowhere, they'd kissed. Before they even understood what had happened, they were both naked and making out like two crazed men. After that... well it had reached new levels of amazing intensity, new peaks of incredible pleasure until that blissful moment when he'd slid inside Blair...
"Remind me to argue with you more often, Chief."
"You want to kill us, is that it?" Blair whimpered.
"But what a way to go."
"Well yeah, there is that."
They kept silent a moment, both reveling in each other's presence before Blair patted Jim's chest and slid out of bed. Jim watched him move, unconsciously licking his lips as he remembered the feast he'd devoured that night. Blair must have felt the stare because he chuckled.
"Enjoying the view, aren't you?"
"Still the mind reader, Sandburg?"
"And don't you forget it." His clothes in hand, he came to the bed and kissed Jim again. "And I know that you're falling asleep on me, so just do it, man. I know where the door is."
"Don't mind me if I do.” His eyes were getting heavy with sleep, true enough. "Use the bathroom first if you want to, alright? Mi casa es su casa."
"Thanks, Jim," Blair whispered before heading to the door.
Jim mumbled his goodbye before rolling to Blair's side and burrowing into the heat he'd just left. He felt surrounded by his lover; he wouldn't really be alone tonight.
"I'm expensive enough, man."
Jim didn't even know how they'd ended up on that topic. They'd been hanging out, watching a Jags game and eating Chinese. They'd been chatting more than actually watching the game, but neither man had even thought of complaining about it.
"Too expensive, is that it?" Jim asked, his tone making it clear he was only joking, not wanting his companion to go on the defensive.
"I'm never too expensive, Ellison," Blair replied easily, clearly getting the message. He smirked. "I'm just expensive enough."
As if it explained everything.
Jim raised an eyebrow, making the young man laugh, and Jim smiled in return. He was glad that Blair felt comfortable enough to talk about his profession - such as it was - without reverting to aggressive behavior or mockery. It wasn't easy for him. But in the weeks they'd known each other, Blair had started to accept that Jim was genuinely interested in him, Blair, and not in Sky the whore - so when the other man asked him about his work, Blair felt safe in the knowledge that he was being asked because Jim was curious about how it affected him as a person, and not as a result of some unhealthy interest.
Blair didn't often discuss his activities, preferring to keep things to himself. Apparently that even extended to the other prostitutes, and Blair had admitted to his friend that the new pimps in town tended to try and recruit him each time they saw him 'mingle'. So Blair only talked with them about what was happening; they all warned each other about new players, new rumors about life on the street. But Jim could tell that it wasn't the relaxed, carefree chatting that Blair shared with him.
So Jim waited patiently for Blair to explain if he wanted to, not pressuring the younger man in any way into revealing things he didn't feel comfortable sharing.
Blair smiled at his best friend, squeezing his arm quickly in a furtive 'thank you'.
"I'm not too expensive," he started, "so that other guys, or girls, don't steal my tricks, but I'm expensive enough that it titillates their imagination, shall we say. It's like any other business, man. People whine about how expensive the goods are, but if it's too cheap they won't give it a second thought because they'll see the products as defective or not good enough, know what I mean?"
Jim nodded. He always felt a pang of pain when he heard Blair talk this way about what was essentially his own body, but he understood the process. Detachment was the only way to really cope with that kind of life. He used that coping mechanism himself often enough; he could only imagine what it felt like for Blair.
Actually no, he couldn't even imagine, but he always tried to - for Blair's sake.
Apparently satisfied with Jim's answer, Blair resumed his explanation. "So it's really a matter of having to tread carefully and know your audience. And well, sometimes, you just know the guy is ready to pay big bucks to have you. For instance, most of the time, you recognize husbands and fathers at first glance. They usually have guilt written all over them. Guilt and desperation - those guys will pay a lot. It's like a neon sign on their faces, I swear." He shrugged. "It demands experience and observation skills. I'm an observer of human nature, Jim, see?"
Jim smiled softly. "I do."
Blair stared at him from under his lashes and Jim hoped the young man would see no accusation or pity in his eyes because that's not what Jim felt; he was just stating a fact, willing Blair to get the message.
That was something else he loved about Blair - how much he could understand just from a glance on Jim's part. How attuned to one another they seemed to be. And Blair felt it too.
One night when Blair had felt particularly shaken after a violent session with a client, he'd revealed some pretty heavy thoughts - thoughts that Jim knew he would regret sharing when daylight broke. He hadn't brought their discussion up again, giving Blair the illusion that he'd never betrayed himself that way, but Jim still remembered what he'd been told that time - how his lover felt that their attraction wasn't just sexual, that it was so much more than that, even though he couldn't put a word on it. How, sometimes when Jim smiled at him, Blair felt almost as if his whole body was caressed and kissed. He'd told Jim that it was powerful and exhilarating, scary and beautiful. Just like Jim was.
When things got tough between them, Jim clung to the memory of that night.
He wasn't speaking of soulmates or everlasting love; he didn't even believe in those. And besides, Blair and he weren't in any kind of relationship so far; they were just two men who had sex on occasion, that was all. Some would have snickered at that and joked that it wasn't anything new for Blair, except Jim knew for a fact that it was. Jim wasn't naïve, but he knew that Blair enjoyed the sex, and gave himself freely and eagerly, which made a world of difference.
He was still trying to teach Blair about intimacy, but since he himself had trouble with that... well, it wasn't always easy for either of them, and Blair never failed to remind Jim how fucked up they both were, seeming to almost revel in the idea. And Blair wondered why Jim's favorite endearment for him was 'little shit'?
Jim shook his head, coming back to reality with a chuckle.
He cast a glance at Blair and saw that the other man's eyes were riveted on the TV. Apparently, once he'd realized Jim was lost in thought he'd just turned back to the game, not taking offense and letting his lover think in peace.
Silence never was uncomfortable between them. Scratch that; sometimes it was, but only when they had engaged in one of their infamous arguments. Otherwise, they could simply sit silently together and still feel at ease. Those silences were never loaded with resentment or pain or accusations of any sort. They were just part of their friendship.
Jim knew neither of them was going to let their guards down just yet, but he could allow himself to bask in friendship at least.
Jim peeked at his watch and smiled when he saw it was near midnight - twenty minutes away from a well-deserved rest. He raised his arms high and stretched; his back and shoulders were taut and he knew he would have to be careful to stretch properly after he went back home or he would feel sore the next day. He was used to physical work - actually reveled in it, because it gave him the opportunity to work off a lot of steam - but he was still looking forward to the rest.
He went back to work, lifting one of the heavy boxes coming from the ship. At that moment he heard a familiar sound coming from behind him or, more precisely, from a corner of the old building. Without turning his head, he knew what had attracted his attention, and a slow smile appeared on his face.
Sandburg had just arrived and, from the sound of it, he'd already taken up what had become his regular spot when he was waiting for him.
As usual, Jim wouldn't comment on his... what, lover? Fuckbuddy? He wouldn't comment on Blair's - that at least was safe - presence. He never said anything, just took pleasure in the newly acquired knowledge that he now had someone who waited for him at the end of his shift. It felt... good. Oddly comforting. Definitely new.
He never commented on it because, to tell the truth, he never really knew what to say anyway. Blair would be there, almost acting as if he just happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to take advantage of his accidentally being here to wait for Jim. No sweat. It was a pretence which always made Jim smile, since he knew that Blair never visited this area if not for work; the docks were always colder, more humid, and Blair hated being cold. He came here to work because he had some regulars who gravitated here, but that was the only reason why he would visit the docks. It was work, not pleasure, and certainly not by accident either; Blair was never careless about his surroundings. Which, when he thought of it, was something Jim preferred not to dwell on too much - his own knowledge of Blair's schedule and habits. It was better that way.
To this day, Jim was still trying to understand how Sandburg had gotten under his skin so fast. Getting into the guy's pants had been one thing - Jim wasn't averse to a little romp in bed now and then so it was hardly a problem - but when he did, he usually didn't go back for seconds or thirds. He would fuck the guy - or the woman - and be gone in the morning, both parties aware beforehand that it was nothing more than a one-time thing. It was satisfying and it kept the sense of loneliness at bay for at least a few hours - a whole night if he was lucky - but that was all it was.
Except it had been different with Blair, and Jim was still trying to understand why. Or how. It was quite the mystery, really. Of course, if there was one thing he'd learned in the weeks he'd been with the guy - or the few months he'd known him - it was that Sandburg was outside the norm. He had his own category, his own box, so to speak. He kept Jim on his toes, that much was certain. He also frustrated the hell out of him on a daily basis, but Jim knew that the other man felt the same way towards him. It was what made things between them so interesting, to put it mildly.
The kid wasn't a pushover. It seemed that Jim never succeeded in intimidating him, no matter how hard he tried to. Which, granted, wasn’t surprising at all, considering Sandburg's life. But it still unnerved Jim because one thing he was used to was people keeping their distance when confronted with The Ice, as some had taken to calling him. At least it gave him room to breathe; people certainly weren't getting in line to know him. He wasn't drowning in a sea of friends, but since friends had the bad habit of leaving him, betraying him or dying on him - which, in some part of his mind, was just another kind of betrayal - it suited him fine.
So why it had been different with Sandburg? Well that was the question.
Jim had no idea whether their... relationship - if he could call it that - would ever go anywhere. But the simple fact that they were even friends to begin with was a miracle in and of itself, and something to be grateful for.
No matter the difficulties of their partnership, one thing was certain; Blair had already left an imprint in Jim's life. It was there, almost as physical as a real touch on his arm. One day, he would have to make the little shit admit it.
Jim had always loved a challenge, and he liked it better when the reward seemed out of reach.
Jim pushed into Blair slowly and listened to him groan; the younger man was in for a long and slow ride tonight.
Jim knew that Blair always wondered why he was tortured - his words - like this, with a slow fucking that seemed to last a lifetime. Jim would enter him with almost no preparation - which he knew was a favorite of Blair's, granted - inch by inch, letting him truly feel the stretching of inner muscle. Technically, Blair wasn't fucked raw, but it was intense enough that the penetration was rendered almost painful. But it was a good pain, a sensation that you would willingly damn yourself over and over again for the chance of feeling just more time.
Jim was fully aware that, even though Blair understood that he wasn't supposed to move during those times, his lover always had an urge to grab Jim and make the bigger man fuck him properly - down and dirty. But Jim wouldn't let himself be distracted.
He intended to drive Blair crazy, and was very close to succeeding. His lover definitely wasn't used to long and slow.
Did Blair like it?
The younger man arched up and shivered, eyes closing in ecstasy, as a new stroke sent him practically flying, leaving him breathless.
Jim smirked. Oh yeah, Blair definitely did. He just wasn't ready to admit it yet.
"For fuck's sake," Blair gasped, arching up again. "Touch me, Jim."
He reached a trembling hand toward his lover but Jim leaned back on his heels just a bit, avoiding the contact. He stilled and smiled tightly at Blair, trying to convey what he wanted without saying the words.
Blair demonstrated his understanding as he reluctantly lowered his hands. Then - perhaps as an afterthought to stop himself from reaching out again - he raised them over his head and grabbed the headboard tightly.
Jim was grateful that Blair seemed determined to let him conduct the ‘show’ as he wanted, even though his lover had claimed that Jim would kill him in the process. Jim had assured him, with an evil chuckle, that there were worse ways to die than an excess of sheer, unadulterated pleasure.
This time, when Jim's cock slid inside him, even deeper in his body, Blair whimpered, a desperate sound that begged for more.
"Jim," he breathed. "Why won't you touch me?" He closed his eyes and tried to push against his lover but he felt Jim draw back again, and stopped the motion immediately.
His arms still stretched wide and gripping the top of the headboard to brace himself as he slowly fucked his lover, Jim bent low on Blair's body and let his lips hover over his lover's, still not totally closing the gap between their bodies. He smiled as Blair blindly tried to close the distance between them, failing again.
"I am touching you, babe. Don't you feel it? You always talk about being branded from within, don't you feel it?"
"No." Blair shook his head, not ready to give in just yet. Jim knew it was too much for his lover - not necessarily too soon, but too much.
Jim suspected that he was making Blair feel too many things. Even with all his experience, it sometimes seemed as if his friend was newly discovering sex. Blair would laugh when he said that, although he seemed to find it slightly disturbing, for some reason, and he never failed to blame it all on Jim.
Sometimes, Jim thought he was teaching Blair intimacy from scratch, and that was brand new to him, almost too big to comprehend.
"Liar," Jim gently admonished. He had an intense look of concentration on his face as he tried hard not to give in to the demands of his body and thrust hard and fast; the sweat running along his face, chest and thighs was testimony to the effort he was making.
Jim wanted nothing more than to fuck Blair into oblivion and make them both lose themselves in a hard and punishing pace, but another part of him craved this slow motion and the sensations he was subjecting them both to.
And, to tell the truth, he was engaged in a battle of wills with Blair; he was determined to make the other man admit what was happening between them. Not the relationship per se, they were both beginning to accept that, but this... odd feeling that sometimes swept over them. It was more than their regular partnership. He knew perfectly well he wasn't the only one aware of it; he just needed to make Blair say it. Even if he did it just once, it would be enough, but Jim still needed to hear it.
Since Blair used the language of sex to translate a lot of things, Jim was using it as a means to try and reach him; after all, everything was fair in love and war. Blair was certainly making Jim work at it. He supposed that was the true meaning of being with someone.
The thought actually made him smile and he felt a sudden rush of affection for his lover. He couldn’t deny that they made quite the pair.
Jim felt a tremor travel along his spine, reminding him of the strain of his position and he bent low again, whispering in Blair's ears. "Tell me, baby, tell me," he repeated in a slow rhythm, like an echo to his maddeningly slow thrusts. "I know you want to, I feel it. You can let go, now."
"God, Jim," Blair whispered back, closing his eyes and reaching his hands to his lover, not caring anymore that he wasn't supposed to touch; he needed the physical reassurance. He buried his face in Jim's neck, licking the sweat and reveling in the warmth he felt there and said the words Jim wanted to hear. He said them softly, almost in a whisper but Jim heard each one, and he was almost ecstatic.
He changed position and cradled Blair on his lap, both men entangled together as if they were one, before Jim finally pushed them both over the edge.
They rested for a moment, both winding down in each other's arms but, after too short a time, Blair kissed Jim and moved out of the bed.
"What are you doing, Chief?"
"Going home."
That's what Jim had thought. He felt a pang of disappointment, which he tried to squelch immediately. He clenched his jaw, not noticing how tense his body had just become. Obviously, it didn’t mean that everything had been fixed, just because they'd taken a new step in their relationship.
But Blair noticed the change in his lover. "Jim, what? What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing,” was Jim's curt reply. He rolled to his side, his back facing Blair, effectively cutting himself off from him.
"Right, and you want me to believe that."
"I don't want you to believe anything, Sandburg. Thanks for the fuck," he said, closing his eyes in anger - both at Blair and at himself - as soon as the words left his mouth. That was uncalled for.
He wanted to apologize, but Blair had already left the bed. Jim was still disappointed with his lover's stubborn attitude, so he didn't try to follow. He knew they'd never really talked about it, but what choice did he have? Could he really ask Blair to please stay the night, not leave the apartment right after they'd wound down because he didn't want the closeness to end?
And maybe he wasn't ready himself if he couldn't say the fucking words.
Jim sighed and turned, watching as Blair gathered his discarded clothes. The tightly-pressed lips and hard, shuttered look were a clear indication that his lover's mind was still on what Jim had just said. Blair’s closed-off look meant he'd been hurt. Jim had the power to do that, a power he felt wary of, but the ability to hurt the other was a two-way street, and he was hurting too.
Blair was putting his clothes on, not bothering to clean up; it wasn't as if he wasn't used to this, Jim thought. He saw Blair stand awkwardly in the room, which made him wince a little. Blair was never awkward.
Even in the dark, and though he wasn't supposed to see clearly, Jim could practically read Blair's thoughts on his face. His lover was hesitating between leaving without a word or trying to make Jim tell him what had gone wrong. He'd turned the problem around and had come to the conclusion that he was at fault.
And now it made Jim feel guilty, too. Blair shouldn't be wondering what he'd done wrong. He'd played Jim's game and given him the words he wanted to hear, after all. Although, calling it a game wasn't fair to either of them. But Blair had said what Jim had craved, and he'd done it willingly - eagerly even - finally ready to show his lover that he accepted more than the sex between them, that he was aware of their... bond, for lack of a better word. It seemed that he needed to hear himself say it as much as Jim did, and how Jim thanked him? By - quite literally - turning his back on him.
Jim realized they would end the night being angry at themselves, both wondering where they'd fucked up, and that wasn't what he'd hoped for when he started making love to Blair. Maybe it was best if the young man left; Jim needed some time to think as well, it seemed.
He was trying to decide whether to say something, if only to soothe the situation a little, but Blair beat him to it. He came back to the room, squatted next to the bed and looked at Jim, who stared back, just as silent.
"Am I supposed to apologize?" Blair asked softly.
Jim laughed weakly at that. "If you do, then I'll have to apologize too. Let's just shut up for now, okay?"
"Fine with me," Blair smiled.
Jim reached a hand to Blair, hauling him closer by the back of his neck so that he could kiss him deeply.
Blair then knelt and leaned towards Jim in response. "We're okay, then?"
"As much as we always are."
"Damn," Blair whispered against Jim's lips. "That should be scary."
Jim stroked his cheek, then motioned towards the door. "Go, Chief. We'll see each other tomorrow."
"You bet."
When he heard the lock click, Jim rolled onto his back and sighed. He'd almost fucked up, and for what? Blair still needed some time and he was determined not to pressure the younger man in any way. Besides, it was his own damn fault for not asking - so if he wanted to wake up next to Blair each morning, he just had to say the damn words, since Blair had apparently lost his mind-reading abilities.
Of course, the other explanation was that Blair didn't want to contemplate that new step in their relationship. Which definitely was a possibility. Sometimes the younger man was a little slow on the uptake.
Jim would have to spell out the words, then; engage in a new battle. He enjoyed the thought. Besides, it was nothing new, really.
He rolled again, taking Blair's side of the bed, inhaling deeply. The place smelled of Blair and him... it smelled of sex, it was them, pure and unadulterated.
Jim fell asleep quickly after that, no longer feeling Blair's absence. He was still there, touching him all over.
Jim Ellison didn't believe in fairy tales. He supposed he might have, once... but if that was the case, it might as well have been in another lifetime. He didn't believe in love at first sight either, or love being a bed of roses. Love was a battle, and you had to fight and fight again in order to keep things working. Not that it was a bad thing in itself. If there was one thing Jim was good at, it was fighting. When he wanted something, few obstacles could keep him at bay - which one Blair Sandburg was going to realize tonight.
The object of his attention was waiting for him around a corner, as the younger man always did. That in itself warmed Jim as few things did - the knowledge that each time he finished his shift, Blair would be waiting for him.
He pointedly ignored the other workmen around him; they simply ceased to exist for him the minute his shift ended. He purposely advanced toward Blair, who stepped back in the shadow a tad more, as if he wanted them to be hidden from view. Which suited Jim just fine.
He stopped in front of Blair and, after a few seconds of silence, advanced on him, making the other man move back until his back was against the wall. Blair started to smile and he licked his lips invitingly, but his eyes widened a fraction at Jim's next move. Instead of taking another step so that he was finally touching Blair, Jim kept still, never closing the gap between their bodies. Then, still without a word, he slowly reached for Blair's hands and placed them on either side of his lover's own head, squeezing them hard for a second as if to tell the younger man to keep them there. Blair narrowed his eyes at Jim for a second but chose to follow his companion's lead and didn't say anything; he kept his hands up but spread his arms slightly wider, showing Jim he was willing to obey, but that it was on his own terms.
Jim nodded and, his body never touching Blair's, bent his head to kiss his lover, licking the lips and demanding entry. Blair opened his mouth and surrendered to the kiss immediately, eyes closed and body already craving more. He let a moan escape and tried to thrust against Jim, but the kiss stopped when he did and the bigger man just straightened, staring at him.
"You asked me what was wrong with me - the other night. Remember?"
Blair nodded but didn't say anything. He felt an instant sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. This was it. Jim was going to end this... this nameless thing they had between them, that Blair couldn't even identify. It, no matter what it was, would be over in a matter of seconds, but he would be damned if he was going to help the son of bitch. If Jim wanted to destroy the best thing Blair had ever had in his whole fucking life, he was going to have to work for it, because Blair didn't have any intention of making it easier for him. He didn't care that neither of them had ever said anything about their... relationship, as fucked up as some people might think it was. He didn't give a damn that the 'L-word' had never touched their lips, because the 'L-word' didn't mean anything anyway. Or at least, that's what he'd believed until now. Blair didn't fucking care that Jim had never made any promises to him. All he knew was that suddenly he was afraid, and he didn't want to hear what Jim was going to say.
Reacting unconsciously, he closed himself off from Jim. Being afraid was a weakness, and he was anything but weak, so he would face Jim and he wouldn't break. It wouldn't be the first punch he had received, be it real or metaphorical. He knew he would go on, no matter what. Blair waited for Jim to say whatever the hell it was he wanted to say, his expression defiant, as well as resigned.
"Shit, Chief. This is exactly what's wrong!" And damned if Jim didn't sound angry now.
"What, Ellison?" Blair snapped. "I didn't say a fucking word, did I? I'm just being a good boy and waiting for the lecture." He suddenly realized that his hands were still raised up, but now it made him feel stupid, so he self-consciously started to lower them.
But Jim had his own hands firmly curled around his lover's wrists and held them in place before Blair could budge. "Don't move, Chief," he hissed.
Blair banged the back of his head against the wall and closed his eyes in frustration, but complied. Some battles were best abandoned. He knew he wouldn't win that one; no need to waste his energy for nothing.
"Fucking tell me what you want, Jim," he whispered. "And let's put the whole thing behind us, all right? No harm no foul." He wasn't pleading. He was not. He never pleaded anymore.
"Blair," Jim almost sighed. He made sure to keep the distance between them, even though he wanted nothing more than to embrace his lover at this point. But he didn't. Instead he kept still and slowly loosened his fingers around Blair's wrists, then gently ran his fingers from the wrist up to the palm, to finally caress the fingers in a soothing and sensual rhythm. He felt the body in front of him relax slightly.
"Listen, Chief, listen good." Jim's gaze roamed over Blair's body. "I see you." He nuzzled his lover's cheek and let his fingers tease the soft skin of Blair's palm and wrist again. "I touch you." He bent his head to the younger man's neck and inhaled softy, making the body so near his own shiver. "I smell you." He cocked his head to the side and made a show of focusing on something only he could hear. "I hear you too. But," he took a step back and broke all physical contact with Blair, "I can't reach you."
Blair had closed his eyes once more at the sensual touch of his lover, but now opened them slowly and swallowed, completely lost on the meaning hidden behind the little scene.
"Do you hear me, Chief? I do all those things, and I even fuck you - so deep it feels like I'm touching the real you - but it's a lie. I can't reach you. It's like you're hiding behind a fucking chain-link fence. You're there, you allow me close, but you don't let me in."
"That's rich coming from you, Jim." Blair had had enough of being good and listening without a word. "Pot? Meet kettle. I... don't put the blame on me, man. Don't you dare. This... this thing between us... I don't even know what it is sometimes, I don't know where we're going, or if we're even going anywhere at all - if it'll stop, without a warning, if you'll leave without a glance. Don't fucking tell me it's my fault we seem to be stuck!"
"That's not what I'm doing, Chief! I'm just telling you I'm tired of feeling like... dammit!" Jim's jaw clenched dangerously. "Would the world come to an end if you stayed the night after we fucked?"
"Would the world come to an end if you actually asked?"
"What the hell do you think I'm doing, Sandburg?" Jim practically growled.
Blair almost smiled. Almost, because he didn't feel totally safe yet. "I mean before, you asshole. You told me you needed your space. That you felt the need to... to be on your own. To feel like things were kept under your control. You said those things, man."
Jim shook his head. "And of course you would zero in on those, wouldn't you? Yes, I fucking need my space, but did I ever make you feel unwelcome?"
"That's not what I'm saying either. Don't put words in my mouth."
"Pot meet kettle? Does it ring a bell?" Jim raised in a hand in surrender. "Look, what I mean is... my space." His look hardened for a second. "No actually, my space is my space. But I'd be willing to share. Just... don't expect the worst of me, all right? I don't give a shit if you do that with the rest of the world, but not with me. It pisses me off. Are we clear?"
Blair smiled softly. "Crystal."
"Well," Jim pushed his lover back against the wall and this time pressed his body hard against Blair's, blanketing him, "since we're on the same page, what do you say to invading my space tonight?"
Blair's answer was lost as Jim latched onto his lips. He captured the bottom lip and sucked on it before kissing him thoroughly, hands running along Blair's sides and coming to a rest on his thighs. To Jim, the moan that came deep from Blair's throat, and Blair's hands tightly gripping his shirt, were response enough. All of a sudden, he realized that maybe you didn't need to believe in fairy tales to start envisioning a happy ending...
Fin
"When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all" - Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign.
And here ends the story that kicked my ass!
Not in bed at least.
The room was heavy with spent lust - almost uncomfortably hot, due to the two bodies that had spent hours learning each other, bringing each other to the brink of orgasm before backing down, only to tease all over again, until neither man had been able to resist anymore and they'd both given free rein to their passion.
"God, Chief," Jim rasped, breathing deeply. "You killed me."
"I killed you? You're kidding, man. I'll feel you all week."
Jim knew better than to ask whether he'd hurt Blair - his friend would take it as an insult - so he just hauled the other man to him, manhandling his body so that Blair was plastered against his front, chest against chest, his head comfortably resting on Jim's shoulder.
"Am I situated to your satisfaction, Ellison?" Blair asked, amused.
"You are, Sandburg. Thanks for asking."
"You ass."
"Aren't you the one who always say that you are what you eat?"
"God," Blair burst out laughing. "I can't believe you said that."
Jim smiled, loving how Blair's laughter was making his body shake, sending all kind of nice feelings to his cock. He was spent right now, but he still enjoyed the soft teasing.
"I've been wondering how good you were in bed."
Jim looked down at Blair, waiting for the rest. "Yes?" If the kid wanted to flatter his ego, he wasn't going to stop him.
A puff of air against his collarbone told him Blair was having fun just now, making him sweat a little. Except that the screams he'd dragged out of the other man had already told the story. Still... Jim didn't mind actually hearing the words.
"You were better than I thought, big guy," was the soft reply.
Jim felt a change of mood and just kissed the top of his lover's hair, not joking about how he'd rated or how good Blair had been. He had a lot of baggage in his life but, when it came to sex, Sandburg had more than he could ever imagine. Jim knew he was trading on fragile ground, so he didn't say anything, just held the body even closer.
Now that they were both calming down from the rush, he could appreciate the situation for what it had been - pure madness. Pure Jim and Blair, in a way.
They'd had yet another heated argument - in Jim's apartment, which would certainly cause him to lose even more points with his neighbors. They'd thrown insults at each other, they'd even gone as far as shoving each other like those stupid kids you sometimes saw on the street, all macho posturing, and then, out of nowhere, they'd kissed. Before they even understood what had happened, they were both naked and making out like two crazed men. After that... well it had reached new levels of amazing intensity, new peaks of incredible pleasure until that blissful moment when he'd slid inside Blair...
"Remind me to argue with you more often, Chief."
"You want to kill us, is that it?" Blair whimpered.
"But what a way to go."
"Well yeah, there is that."
They kept silent a moment, both reveling in each other's presence before Blair patted Jim's chest and slid out of bed. Jim watched him move, unconsciously licking his lips as he remembered the feast he'd devoured that night. Blair must have felt the stare because he chuckled.
"Enjoying the view, aren't you?"
"Still the mind reader, Sandburg?"
"And don't you forget it." His clothes in hand, he came to the bed and kissed Jim again. "And I know that you're falling asleep on me, so just do it, man. I know where the door is."
"Don't mind me if I do.” His eyes were getting heavy with sleep, true enough. "Use the bathroom first if you want to, alright? Mi casa es su casa."
"Thanks, Jim," Blair whispered before heading to the door.
Jim mumbled his goodbye before rolling to Blair's side and burrowing into the heat he'd just left. He felt surrounded by his lover; he wouldn't really be alone tonight.
"I'm expensive enough, man."
Jim didn't even know how they'd ended up on that topic. They'd been hanging out, watching a Jags game and eating Chinese. They'd been chatting more than actually watching the game, but neither man had even thought of complaining about it.
"Too expensive, is that it?" Jim asked, his tone making it clear he was only joking, not wanting his companion to go on the defensive.
"I'm never too expensive, Ellison," Blair replied easily, clearly getting the message. He smirked. "I'm just expensive enough."
As if it explained everything.
Jim raised an eyebrow, making the young man laugh, and Jim smiled in return. He was glad that Blair felt comfortable enough to talk about his profession - such as it was - without reverting to aggressive behavior or mockery. It wasn't easy for him. But in the weeks they'd known each other, Blair had started to accept that Jim was genuinely interested in him, Blair, and not in Sky the whore - so when the other man asked him about his work, Blair felt safe in the knowledge that he was being asked because Jim was curious about how it affected him as a person, and not as a result of some unhealthy interest.
Blair didn't often discuss his activities, preferring to keep things to himself. Apparently that even extended to the other prostitutes, and Blair had admitted to his friend that the new pimps in town tended to try and recruit him each time they saw him 'mingle'. So Blair only talked with them about what was happening; they all warned each other about new players, new rumors about life on the street. But Jim could tell that it wasn't the relaxed, carefree chatting that Blair shared with him.
So Jim waited patiently for Blair to explain if he wanted to, not pressuring the younger man in any way into revealing things he didn't feel comfortable sharing.
Blair smiled at his best friend, squeezing his arm quickly in a furtive 'thank you'.
"I'm not too expensive," he started, "so that other guys, or girls, don't steal my tricks, but I'm expensive enough that it titillates their imagination, shall we say. It's like any other business, man. People whine about how expensive the goods are, but if it's too cheap they won't give it a second thought because they'll see the products as defective or not good enough, know what I mean?"
Jim nodded. He always felt a pang of pain when he heard Blair talk this way about what was essentially his own body, but he understood the process. Detachment was the only way to really cope with that kind of life. He used that coping mechanism himself often enough; he could only imagine what it felt like for Blair.
Actually no, he couldn't even imagine, but he always tried to - for Blair's sake.
Apparently satisfied with Jim's answer, Blair resumed his explanation. "So it's really a matter of having to tread carefully and know your audience. And well, sometimes, you just know the guy is ready to pay big bucks to have you. For instance, most of the time, you recognize husbands and fathers at first glance. They usually have guilt written all over them. Guilt and desperation - those guys will pay a lot. It's like a neon sign on their faces, I swear." He shrugged. "It demands experience and observation skills. I'm an observer of human nature, Jim, see?"
Jim smiled softly. "I do."
Blair stared at him from under his lashes and Jim hoped the young man would see no accusation or pity in his eyes because that's not what Jim felt; he was just stating a fact, willing Blair to get the message.
That was something else he loved about Blair - how much he could understand just from a glance on Jim's part. How attuned to one another they seemed to be. And Blair felt it too.
One night when Blair had felt particularly shaken after a violent session with a client, he'd revealed some pretty heavy thoughts - thoughts that Jim knew he would regret sharing when daylight broke. He hadn't brought their discussion up again, giving Blair the illusion that he'd never betrayed himself that way, but Jim still remembered what he'd been told that time - how his lover felt that their attraction wasn't just sexual, that it was so much more than that, even though he couldn't put a word on it. How, sometimes when Jim smiled at him, Blair felt almost as if his whole body was caressed and kissed. He'd told Jim that it was powerful and exhilarating, scary and beautiful. Just like Jim was.
When things got tough between them, Jim clung to the memory of that night.
He wasn't speaking of soulmates or everlasting love; he didn't even believe in those. And besides, Blair and he weren't in any kind of relationship so far; they were just two men who had sex on occasion, that was all. Some would have snickered at that and joked that it wasn't anything new for Blair, except Jim knew for a fact that it was. Jim wasn't naïve, but he knew that Blair enjoyed the sex, and gave himself freely and eagerly, which made a world of difference.
He was still trying to teach Blair about intimacy, but since he himself had trouble with that... well, it wasn't always easy for either of them, and Blair never failed to remind Jim how fucked up they both were, seeming to almost revel in the idea. And Blair wondered why Jim's favorite endearment for him was 'little shit'?
Jim shook his head, coming back to reality with a chuckle.
He cast a glance at Blair and saw that the other man's eyes were riveted on the TV. Apparently, once he'd realized Jim was lost in thought he'd just turned back to the game, not taking offense and letting his lover think in peace.
Silence never was uncomfortable between them. Scratch that; sometimes it was, but only when they had engaged in one of their infamous arguments. Otherwise, they could simply sit silently together and still feel at ease. Those silences were never loaded with resentment or pain or accusations of any sort. They were just part of their friendship.
Jim knew neither of them was going to let their guards down just yet, but he could allow himself to bask in friendship at least.
Jim peeked at his watch and smiled when he saw it was near midnight - twenty minutes away from a well-deserved rest. He raised his arms high and stretched; his back and shoulders were taut and he knew he would have to be careful to stretch properly after he went back home or he would feel sore the next day. He was used to physical work - actually reveled in it, because it gave him the opportunity to work off a lot of steam - but he was still looking forward to the rest.
He went back to work, lifting one of the heavy boxes coming from the ship. At that moment he heard a familiar sound coming from behind him or, more precisely, from a corner of the old building. Without turning his head, he knew what had attracted his attention, and a slow smile appeared on his face.
Sandburg had just arrived and, from the sound of it, he'd already taken up what had become his regular spot when he was waiting for him.
As usual, Jim wouldn't comment on his... what, lover? Fuckbuddy? He wouldn't comment on Blair's - that at least was safe - presence. He never said anything, just took pleasure in the newly acquired knowledge that he now had someone who waited for him at the end of his shift. It felt... good. Oddly comforting. Definitely new.
He never commented on it because, to tell the truth, he never really knew what to say anyway. Blair would be there, almost acting as if he just happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to take advantage of his accidentally being here to wait for Jim. No sweat. It was a pretence which always made Jim smile, since he knew that Blair never visited this area if not for work; the docks were always colder, more humid, and Blair hated being cold. He came here to work because he had some regulars who gravitated here, but that was the only reason why he would visit the docks. It was work, not pleasure, and certainly not by accident either; Blair was never careless about his surroundings. Which, when he thought of it, was something Jim preferred not to dwell on too much - his own knowledge of Blair's schedule and habits. It was better that way.
To this day, Jim was still trying to understand how Sandburg had gotten under his skin so fast. Getting into the guy's pants had been one thing - Jim wasn't averse to a little romp in bed now and then so it was hardly a problem - but when he did, he usually didn't go back for seconds or thirds. He would fuck the guy - or the woman - and be gone in the morning, both parties aware beforehand that it was nothing more than a one-time thing. It was satisfying and it kept the sense of loneliness at bay for at least a few hours - a whole night if he was lucky - but that was all it was.
Except it had been different with Blair, and Jim was still trying to understand why. Or how. It was quite the mystery, really. Of course, if there was one thing he'd learned in the weeks he'd been with the guy - or the few months he'd known him - it was that Sandburg was outside the norm. He had his own category, his own box, so to speak. He kept Jim on his toes, that much was certain. He also frustrated the hell out of him on a daily basis, but Jim knew that the other man felt the same way towards him. It was what made things between them so interesting, to put it mildly.
The kid wasn't a pushover. It seemed that Jim never succeeded in intimidating him, no matter how hard he tried to. Which, granted, wasn’t surprising at all, considering Sandburg's life. But it still unnerved Jim because one thing he was used to was people keeping their distance when confronted with The Ice, as some had taken to calling him. At least it gave him room to breathe; people certainly weren't getting in line to know him. He wasn't drowning in a sea of friends, but since friends had the bad habit of leaving him, betraying him or dying on him - which, in some part of his mind, was just another kind of betrayal - it suited him fine.
So why it had been different with Sandburg? Well that was the question.
Jim had no idea whether their... relationship - if he could call it that - would ever go anywhere. But the simple fact that they were even friends to begin with was a miracle in and of itself, and something to be grateful for.
No matter the difficulties of their partnership, one thing was certain; Blair had already left an imprint in Jim's life. It was there, almost as physical as a real touch on his arm. One day, he would have to make the little shit admit it.
Jim had always loved a challenge, and he liked it better when the reward seemed out of reach.
Jim pushed into Blair slowly and listened to him groan; the younger man was in for a long and slow ride tonight.
Jim knew that Blair always wondered why he was tortured - his words - like this, with a slow fucking that seemed to last a lifetime. Jim would enter him with almost no preparation - which he knew was a favorite of Blair's, granted - inch by inch, letting him truly feel the stretching of inner muscle. Technically, Blair wasn't fucked raw, but it was intense enough that the penetration was rendered almost painful. But it was a good pain, a sensation that you would willingly damn yourself over and over again for the chance of feeling just more time.
Jim was fully aware that, even though Blair understood that he wasn't supposed to move during those times, his lover always had an urge to grab Jim and make the bigger man fuck him properly - down and dirty. But Jim wouldn't let himself be distracted.
He intended to drive Blair crazy, and was very close to succeeding. His lover definitely wasn't used to long and slow.
Did Blair like it?
The younger man arched up and shivered, eyes closing in ecstasy, as a new stroke sent him practically flying, leaving him breathless.
Jim smirked. Oh yeah, Blair definitely did. He just wasn't ready to admit it yet.
"For fuck's sake," Blair gasped, arching up again. "Touch me, Jim."
He reached a trembling hand toward his lover but Jim leaned back on his heels just a bit, avoiding the contact. He stilled and smiled tightly at Blair, trying to convey what he wanted without saying the words.
Blair demonstrated his understanding as he reluctantly lowered his hands. Then - perhaps as an afterthought to stop himself from reaching out again - he raised them over his head and grabbed the headboard tightly.
Jim was grateful that Blair seemed determined to let him conduct the ‘show’ as he wanted, even though his lover had claimed that Jim would kill him in the process. Jim had assured him, with an evil chuckle, that there were worse ways to die than an excess of sheer, unadulterated pleasure.
This time, when Jim's cock slid inside him, even deeper in his body, Blair whimpered, a desperate sound that begged for more.
"Jim," he breathed. "Why won't you touch me?" He closed his eyes and tried to push against his lover but he felt Jim draw back again, and stopped the motion immediately.
His arms still stretched wide and gripping the top of the headboard to brace himself as he slowly fucked his lover, Jim bent low on Blair's body and let his lips hover over his lover's, still not totally closing the gap between their bodies. He smiled as Blair blindly tried to close the distance between them, failing again.
"I am touching you, babe. Don't you feel it? You always talk about being branded from within, don't you feel it?"
"No." Blair shook his head, not ready to give in just yet. Jim knew it was too much for his lover - not necessarily too soon, but too much.
Jim suspected that he was making Blair feel too many things. Even with all his experience, it sometimes seemed as if his friend was newly discovering sex. Blair would laugh when he said that, although he seemed to find it slightly disturbing, for some reason, and he never failed to blame it all on Jim.
Sometimes, Jim thought he was teaching Blair intimacy from scratch, and that was brand new to him, almost too big to comprehend.
"Liar," Jim gently admonished. He had an intense look of concentration on his face as he tried hard not to give in to the demands of his body and thrust hard and fast; the sweat running along his face, chest and thighs was testimony to the effort he was making.
Jim wanted nothing more than to fuck Blair into oblivion and make them both lose themselves in a hard and punishing pace, but another part of him craved this slow motion and the sensations he was subjecting them both to.
And, to tell the truth, he was engaged in a battle of wills with Blair; he was determined to make the other man admit what was happening between them. Not the relationship per se, they were both beginning to accept that, but this... odd feeling that sometimes swept over them. It was more than their regular partnership. He knew perfectly well he wasn't the only one aware of it; he just needed to make Blair say it. Even if he did it just once, it would be enough, but Jim still needed to hear it.
Since Blair used the language of sex to translate a lot of things, Jim was using it as a means to try and reach him; after all, everything was fair in love and war. Blair was certainly making Jim work at it. He supposed that was the true meaning of being with someone.
The thought actually made him smile and he felt a sudden rush of affection for his lover. He couldn’t deny that they made quite the pair.
Jim felt a tremor travel along his spine, reminding him of the strain of his position and he bent low again, whispering in Blair's ears. "Tell me, baby, tell me," he repeated in a slow rhythm, like an echo to his maddeningly slow thrusts. "I know you want to, I feel it. You can let go, now."
"God, Jim," Blair whispered back, closing his eyes and reaching his hands to his lover, not caring anymore that he wasn't supposed to touch; he needed the physical reassurance. He buried his face in Jim's neck, licking the sweat and reveling in the warmth he felt there and said the words Jim wanted to hear. He said them softly, almost in a whisper but Jim heard each one, and he was almost ecstatic.
He changed position and cradled Blair on his lap, both men entangled together as if they were one, before Jim finally pushed them both over the edge.
They rested for a moment, both winding down in each other's arms but, after too short a time, Blair kissed Jim and moved out of the bed.
"What are you doing, Chief?"
"Going home."
That's what Jim had thought. He felt a pang of disappointment, which he tried to squelch immediately. He clenched his jaw, not noticing how tense his body had just become. Obviously, it didn’t mean that everything had been fixed, just because they'd taken a new step in their relationship.
But Blair noticed the change in his lover. "Jim, what? What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing,” was Jim's curt reply. He rolled to his side, his back facing Blair, effectively cutting himself off from him.
"Right, and you want me to believe that."
"I don't want you to believe anything, Sandburg. Thanks for the fuck," he said, closing his eyes in anger - both at Blair and at himself - as soon as the words left his mouth. That was uncalled for.
He wanted to apologize, but Blair had already left the bed. Jim was still disappointed with his lover's stubborn attitude, so he didn't try to follow. He knew they'd never really talked about it, but what choice did he have? Could he really ask Blair to please stay the night, not leave the apartment right after they'd wound down because he didn't want the closeness to end?
And maybe he wasn't ready himself if he couldn't say the fucking words.
Jim sighed and turned, watching as Blair gathered his discarded clothes. The tightly-pressed lips and hard, shuttered look were a clear indication that his lover's mind was still on what Jim had just said. Blair’s closed-off look meant he'd been hurt. Jim had the power to do that, a power he felt wary of, but the ability to hurt the other was a two-way street, and he was hurting too.
Blair was putting his clothes on, not bothering to clean up; it wasn't as if he wasn't used to this, Jim thought. He saw Blair stand awkwardly in the room, which made him wince a little. Blair was never awkward.
Even in the dark, and though he wasn't supposed to see clearly, Jim could practically read Blair's thoughts on his face. His lover was hesitating between leaving without a word or trying to make Jim tell him what had gone wrong. He'd turned the problem around and had come to the conclusion that he was at fault.
And now it made Jim feel guilty, too. Blair shouldn't be wondering what he'd done wrong. He'd played Jim's game and given him the words he wanted to hear, after all. Although, calling it a game wasn't fair to either of them. But Blair had said what Jim had craved, and he'd done it willingly - eagerly even - finally ready to show his lover that he accepted more than the sex between them, that he was aware of their... bond, for lack of a better word. It seemed that he needed to hear himself say it as much as Jim did, and how Jim thanked him? By - quite literally - turning his back on him.
Jim realized they would end the night being angry at themselves, both wondering where they'd fucked up, and that wasn't what he'd hoped for when he started making love to Blair. Maybe it was best if the young man left; Jim needed some time to think as well, it seemed.
He was trying to decide whether to say something, if only to soothe the situation a little, but Blair beat him to it. He came back to the room, squatted next to the bed and looked at Jim, who stared back, just as silent.
"Am I supposed to apologize?" Blair asked softly.
Jim laughed weakly at that. "If you do, then I'll have to apologize too. Let's just shut up for now, okay?"
"Fine with me," Blair smiled.
Jim reached a hand to Blair, hauling him closer by the back of his neck so that he could kiss him deeply.
Blair then knelt and leaned towards Jim in response. "We're okay, then?"
"As much as we always are."
"Damn," Blair whispered against Jim's lips. "That should be scary."
Jim stroked his cheek, then motioned towards the door. "Go, Chief. We'll see each other tomorrow."
"You bet."
When he heard the lock click, Jim rolled onto his back and sighed. He'd almost fucked up, and for what? Blair still needed some time and he was determined not to pressure the younger man in any way. Besides, it was his own damn fault for not asking - so if he wanted to wake up next to Blair each morning, he just had to say the damn words, since Blair had apparently lost his mind-reading abilities.
Of course, the other explanation was that Blair didn't want to contemplate that new step in their relationship. Which definitely was a possibility. Sometimes the younger man was a little slow on the uptake.
Jim would have to spell out the words, then; engage in a new battle. He enjoyed the thought. Besides, it was nothing new, really.
He rolled again, taking Blair's side of the bed, inhaling deeply. The place smelled of Blair and him... it smelled of sex, it was them, pure and unadulterated.
Jim fell asleep quickly after that, no longer feeling Blair's absence. He was still there, touching him all over.
Jim Ellison didn't believe in fairy tales. He supposed he might have, once... but if that was the case, it might as well have been in another lifetime. He didn't believe in love at first sight either, or love being a bed of roses. Love was a battle, and you had to fight and fight again in order to keep things working. Not that it was a bad thing in itself. If there was one thing Jim was good at, it was fighting. When he wanted something, few obstacles could keep him at bay - which one Blair Sandburg was going to realize tonight.
The object of his attention was waiting for him around a corner, as the younger man always did. That in itself warmed Jim as few things did - the knowledge that each time he finished his shift, Blair would be waiting for him.
He pointedly ignored the other workmen around him; they simply ceased to exist for him the minute his shift ended. He purposely advanced toward Blair, who stepped back in the shadow a tad more, as if he wanted them to be hidden from view. Which suited Jim just fine.
He stopped in front of Blair and, after a few seconds of silence, advanced on him, making the other man move back until his back was against the wall. Blair started to smile and he licked his lips invitingly, but his eyes widened a fraction at Jim's next move. Instead of taking another step so that he was finally touching Blair, Jim kept still, never closing the gap between their bodies. Then, still without a word, he slowly reached for Blair's hands and placed them on either side of his lover's own head, squeezing them hard for a second as if to tell the younger man to keep them there. Blair narrowed his eyes at Jim for a second but chose to follow his companion's lead and didn't say anything; he kept his hands up but spread his arms slightly wider, showing Jim he was willing to obey, but that it was on his own terms.
Jim nodded and, his body never touching Blair's, bent his head to kiss his lover, licking the lips and demanding entry. Blair opened his mouth and surrendered to the kiss immediately, eyes closed and body already craving more. He let a moan escape and tried to thrust against Jim, but the kiss stopped when he did and the bigger man just straightened, staring at him.
"You asked me what was wrong with me - the other night. Remember?"
Blair nodded but didn't say anything. He felt an instant sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. This was it. Jim was going to end this... this nameless thing they had between them, that Blair couldn't even identify. It, no matter what it was, would be over in a matter of seconds, but he would be damned if he was going to help the son of bitch. If Jim wanted to destroy the best thing Blair had ever had in his whole fucking life, he was going to have to work for it, because Blair didn't have any intention of making it easier for him. He didn't care that neither of them had ever said anything about their... relationship, as fucked up as some people might think it was. He didn't give a damn that the 'L-word' had never touched their lips, because the 'L-word' didn't mean anything anyway. Or at least, that's what he'd believed until now. Blair didn't fucking care that Jim had never made any promises to him. All he knew was that suddenly he was afraid, and he didn't want to hear what Jim was going to say.
Reacting unconsciously, he closed himself off from Jim. Being afraid was a weakness, and he was anything but weak, so he would face Jim and he wouldn't break. It wouldn't be the first punch he had received, be it real or metaphorical. He knew he would go on, no matter what. Blair waited for Jim to say whatever the hell it was he wanted to say, his expression defiant, as well as resigned.
"Shit, Chief. This is exactly what's wrong!" And damned if Jim didn't sound angry now.
"What, Ellison?" Blair snapped. "I didn't say a fucking word, did I? I'm just being a good boy and waiting for the lecture." He suddenly realized that his hands were still raised up, but now it made him feel stupid, so he self-consciously started to lower them.
But Jim had his own hands firmly curled around his lover's wrists and held them in place before Blair could budge. "Don't move, Chief," he hissed.
Blair banged the back of his head against the wall and closed his eyes in frustration, but complied. Some battles were best abandoned. He knew he wouldn't win that one; no need to waste his energy for nothing.
"Fucking tell me what you want, Jim," he whispered. "And let's put the whole thing behind us, all right? No harm no foul." He wasn't pleading. He was not. He never pleaded anymore.
"Blair," Jim almost sighed. He made sure to keep the distance between them, even though he wanted nothing more than to embrace his lover at this point. But he didn't. Instead he kept still and slowly loosened his fingers around Blair's wrists, then gently ran his fingers from the wrist up to the palm, to finally caress the fingers in a soothing and sensual rhythm. He felt the body in front of him relax slightly.
"Listen, Chief, listen good." Jim's gaze roamed over Blair's body. "I see you." He nuzzled his lover's cheek and let his fingers tease the soft skin of Blair's palm and wrist again. "I touch you." He bent his head to the younger man's neck and inhaled softy, making the body so near his own shiver. "I smell you." He cocked his head to the side and made a show of focusing on something only he could hear. "I hear you too. But," he took a step back and broke all physical contact with Blair, "I can't reach you."
Blair had closed his eyes once more at the sensual touch of his lover, but now opened them slowly and swallowed, completely lost on the meaning hidden behind the little scene.
"Do you hear me, Chief? I do all those things, and I even fuck you - so deep it feels like I'm touching the real you - but it's a lie. I can't reach you. It's like you're hiding behind a fucking chain-link fence. You're there, you allow me close, but you don't let me in."
"That's rich coming from you, Jim." Blair had had enough of being good and listening without a word. "Pot? Meet kettle. I... don't put the blame on me, man. Don't you dare. This... this thing between us... I don't even know what it is sometimes, I don't know where we're going, or if we're even going anywhere at all - if it'll stop, without a warning, if you'll leave without a glance. Don't fucking tell me it's my fault we seem to be stuck!"
"That's not what I'm doing, Chief! I'm just telling you I'm tired of feeling like... dammit!" Jim's jaw clenched dangerously. "Would the world come to an end if you stayed the night after we fucked?"
"Would the world come to an end if you actually asked?"
"What the hell do you think I'm doing, Sandburg?" Jim practically growled.
Blair almost smiled. Almost, because he didn't feel totally safe yet. "I mean before, you asshole. You told me you needed your space. That you felt the need to... to be on your own. To feel like things were kept under your control. You said those things, man."
Jim shook his head. "And of course you would zero in on those, wouldn't you? Yes, I fucking need my space, but did I ever make you feel unwelcome?"
"That's not what I'm saying either. Don't put words in my mouth."
"Pot meet kettle? Does it ring a bell?" Jim raised in a hand in surrender. "Look, what I mean is... my space." His look hardened for a second. "No actually, my space is my space. But I'd be willing to share. Just... don't expect the worst of me, all right? I don't give a shit if you do that with the rest of the world, but not with me. It pisses me off. Are we clear?"
Blair smiled softly. "Crystal."
"Well," Jim pushed his lover back against the wall and this time pressed his body hard against Blair's, blanketing him, "since we're on the same page, what do you say to invading my space tonight?"
Blair's answer was lost as Jim latched onto his lips. He captured the bottom lip and sucked on it before kissing him thoroughly, hands running along Blair's sides and coming to a rest on his thighs. To Jim, the moan that came deep from Blair's throat, and Blair's hands tightly gripping his shirt, were response enough. All of a sudden, he realized that maybe you didn't need to believe in fairy tales to start envisioning a happy ending...
Fin
"When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all" - Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign.
And here ends the story that kicked my ass!
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-15 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-16 07:01 am (UTC)Anyway, thanks for the comment! I'm so glad you liked it. Bringing the boys back to the very beginning of their relationship in that series of mine was quite fun, I'm ecstatic to hear it worked for you too *beams*
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Date: 2005-07-16 03:27 pm (UTC)Remember the story you wrote where Jim holds Blair against the wall and makes him listen to how he feels, and Blair is so unwilling/unable to accept it that he slams his head against the wall? I keep seeing that image when I'm reading this. I can just see where they're going to go -- it's perfectly in character with the rest of the series. I'm going to have to spend an evening re-reading the entire series really soon! :)
This is a fabulous beginning to the series - I'm so, so happy that you wrote it! *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-07-17 03:24 pm (UTC)I've been meaning to write their First Times [meeting, getting to know each other, fucking etc...] for a long time now and I couldn't believe my luck when the ficathon story started to flesh out and appeared to be just that! Now I know I'll go back to it and add some new scenes, the idea is quite exciting too *g*
So thanks for the compliments *g* I'm so happy and relieved that you liked this prequel - after I added the last word I started to worry about betraying the series, know what I mean? So thanks for actually telling me it was still IC with the rest, this is quite the wonderful thing to hear *beams*
This is a fabulous beginning to the series - I'm so, so happy that you wrote it!
Thanks again - and thank you and the girls - after all, the ficathon was the catalyst for the fic *g* Seriously, that was a wonderful you girls had!
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Date: 2005-07-16 11:16 pm (UTC)But yes, I have much love for this part too, the pain and misunderstanding as much as the hot sex, which guh, so hot.
I wanted to shake them at time, tell them to just talk already but they did in the end. And this was just wonderful.
"Do you hear me, Chief? I do all those things, and I even fuck you - so deep it feels like I'm touching the real you - but it's a lie. I can't reach you. It's like you're hiding behind a fucking chain-link fence. You're there, you allow me close, but you don't let me in."
I love your writing so much, the way you make things so vivid and real. And the hope you show, the light in the darkness that Jim discovers too.
All of a sudden, he realized that maybe you didn't need to believe in fairy tales to start envisioning a happy ending...
Just perfect.
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Date: 2005-07-17 03:28 pm (UTC)I'm having so much fun writing that series... I always take pleasure in writing my fics, all of them - bar one, I mean - so the feeling isn't new as such, but there's something special with that series and it makes my writing it even more pleasurable. It's like you know you're writing the fic you always wanted to write. It's almost perfect *g*
So your compliments are even more appreciated than I see I'm not the only one who takes pleasure from that universe *g*
Thank you so much for the comments - knowing you got into the story so much is just wonderful to hear *g*
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Date: 2005-07-17 05:43 pm (UTC)::twirls you till you're silly::
This was hot and sensual and sad in a not bad way and bittersweet and yeah...*sappy grin*
This was just wonderful, sweetie. Beautiful. *happy sigh*
I adore Jim's use of 'little shit' as an endearment and it's *so* fitting in this universe.
Thank you. *hugs*
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Date: 2005-07-17 08:35 pm (UTC)*lets herself be twirled and giggles*
I couldn't believe my luck when I realised that's the story the muses wanted to write. I mean, I've been wanting to write it for some time now but never really thought about what I wanted per se - I thought I'd write it later - and then bam! It was there. Sometimes writing is just the best thing in the world *g*
Eeee you liked it! *bounces* That means a lot to me, thank you *g*
This was hot and sensual and sad in a not bad way and bittersweet and yeah...*sappy grin*
Wow, thank you Maaaaa, what a wonderful description of my series, love it!
This was just wonderful, sweetie. Beautiful. *happy sigh*
Man, you're quite the ego booster, I'm smiling like a loon right now lol I'm so thrilled you loved the prequel... I so didn't want to betray the rest of my series, I'm relieved to see that apparently I stayed true to it *g*
I adore Jim's use of 'little shit' as an endearment and it's *so* fitting in this universe.
Believe it or not, each time I make Jim uses that endearment, I think of you lol Also, if I don't use it at least once when I'm working on that series now, there's something missing *g*
Thank you *hugs*
Thank you for taking the time to let me know you liked my story *hugs back*
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Date: 2005-07-17 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-18 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-23 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-23 08:15 pm (UTC)Really fascinating stuff!
Wow, what a compliment *gasp* Thank you so much *g*
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Date: 2005-07-26 08:34 am (UTC)Getting to the bottom of the *why*, I decided it was the characterization. It's actually Jim and Blair. Altered, since they both lead a harder life, which of course influences the development of a character, but still Jim and Blair. You clearly took the original canon character-traits as a source and adapted them to how would they be shaped in an universe that includes *those* circumstances. :-) Awesome and amazing.
Because of his lifestyle, your Blair is tougher than canon-Blair, but canon-Blair *has* the basic equipment in his character for that, we see it at the show several times (for example see TSbyBS when he asks Jim whether they should haul up Zeller or let him fall down). Of course a life like your Blair leads it, would strengthen this part of him, bringing it more to the forefront and let him develop a harder behavior and front. But despite of that, we see clearly that behind this, there's still the "softer" Blair, a caring person. Of course, that's a part of his character that makes him very vulnerable in this line of work and kind of life. Canon Blair can afford to *have* this side of him, your Blair can't do this as much, if he wants to survive and keep his sanity. So it has to keep hidden, partly even from himself, for self protection, but it's still there. You show this very good and it's really a somewhat heartwrenching read to see how the "real" Blair might turn out, given those circumstances. That's really, really good and something other AU's are often lacking. I really can see the canon-Blair hidden in your Blair, that's why I like it so much.
Both guys got bitten by life and now they're dancing around each other, wanting to trust but having a hard time with that and not quite daring to do it, or even *admit* it to each other or even themselves. It's heartbreaking to see that. I like it that Jim is the one who hasn't quite as hard a time as Blair does, but is able to figure Blair out and tries to reach him. It fits because in this AU it's Blair who had the harder and more scaring life experiences.
You've managed to show the reader that they're apparently meant for each other without *saying* so explicitely, without using the proverbial two-by-four to beat the "dear reader, do you get it?" into the readers brain. The reader simply has to feel with those two guys, who try to manage their difficult lives with stoic tenacity, day after day.
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Date: 2005-07-30 09:27 am (UTC)The fact that you got into it because of - thanks to - the characterisation makes me quite proud of my little accomplishment, I'll admit lol Writing The Night series is one hell of an interesting challenge, because it feels like I'm always treading on fragile ground - it's like I'm walking right beside canon, but I always need to be extra careful not to wander too far away and not lose track of it, or else, it would just be two original characters who happen to be called Jim and Blair.
So to hear - from someone who's so attentive to that kind of thing - that I apparently succeeded in combining the two while still staying true to both the universe I created and the show I'm trying to write for, well, it's quite wonderful, as you can imagine *g*
And yes, Blair in particular proves to be a challenge - one I enjoy immensely *g* He's the one who's supposedly so alien to his original character... so I need to tread carefully here but it's so interesting writing it... and showing the readers that yes, it's still the Blair they know, only different because of the turn his life took, but don't turn away, you'll find that he's still the same Blair in a way.
And the relationship between Jim and him? Is a joy to write - it's painful and tough and complex and full of hurt, but it's still love and I love seeing those two damaged men getting closer and closer until they finally find something together. It's so beautiful. And here again, I'm so happy you saw it exactly the way I wanted...
You've managed to show the reader that they're apparently meant for each other without *saying* so explicitely, without using the proverbial two-by-four to beat the "dear reader, do you get it?"
Thanks for that as well, cause that's exactly what I was going for *g* I didn't want to hit the readers with it, but I certainly didn't want them to, I don't know, miss it - though I trust aforementioned readers, you know lol But anyway, thanks a lot *g*
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Date: 2005-07-30 11:01 am (UTC)That's it, exactly!
>>It's so beautiful. And here again, I'm so happy you saw it exactly the way I wanted...<<
*g* Isn't that one of the - or rather *the* ultimate - feeling of success an author gan get? Seeing that a reader got the impression he/she was supposed to get? *g*
PatK
:-)
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Date: 2005-07-26 08:35 am (UTC)And I find it especially good how you let them express themselves, how you show their feelings without letting them speak plainly. An example is Blair telling Jim: "You were better than I thought, big guy," was the soft reply. Man, Blair is *so* not only speaking objectively about Jim's qualities in bed. This is speaking about how Blair is shaken by the experience of enjoying sex with Jim (as the opposite of doing it for money), how it touches him in a place that shouldn't be touched because allowing to feel touched there is dangerous in his way of life. And admitting the good quality of Jim's sexual abilities is practically admitting that Jim touched him *there*, where he's most vulnerable if he allows someone access to this place within him. And I'm not talking just about the physical location, you know. That's so good and you do things like that several times.
The sex-scene towards the end of the story is awesome. Jim trying to get through to Blair, to reach him emotionally, to make him "admit" his feelings, not only to Jim but also to himself, via the "vehicle" of physical love. I refuse to call this merely "sex" because it's so much more here. And again you have Blair expressing more than the plain meaning of his words. "Touch me" and "why won't you touch me". To me, that's not only a plea for physical touch but clearly a display of how desperately he craves to be "touched" inwardly, at this vulnerable point where his emotions lay safely hidden. Yeah, hidden and protected, but also lonely cause that's the price for his self-protection.
And the scene where Jim held Blair's wrists, forcing him to listen, to face the issue at hand, just great. Blair banging his head against the wall, a sign for wanting to escape the road that leads to "having to face deal with it/having to face things" because the outcome might mean his armor might be shattered, weakening his defence against life, but realizing that there's no escape and finally giving in whily trying to keep up his defence. Just *awww*. :-)
You know, I could rambling on and on but I guess you get my gist here. Yes, in case this didn't become clear, I very much like this story. :-)
PatK
:-)
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Date: 2005-07-30 10:04 am (UTC)And the scene where they made love at the end was also one hell of an intense scene to write because of the myriad of feelings and things that were expressed here without being spelled out.
You actually picked most of my favourite moments lol
Thank you again so much for a) giving that series a chance and b) taking the time to post such in-depth comments *g*
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Date: 2005-07-30 11:03 am (UTC)I would think that's the proof for writing-talent. *g* When the reader actually "gets" those moments in which the author put his heart in. :-)
PatK
:-)
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Date: 2005-07-29 12:50 am (UTC)(And I'm terribly late at reading this! So sorry! It's taking so much longer than I thought to read all the stories out there! *bg*)
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Date: 2005-07-30 10:16 am (UTC)And thank you so much for the feedback *g* That series is a joy to write - in spite of the context - and I'm so glad you enjoy the read too. I'm also having a load of fun with Blair... which is why the sneaky muses made me write from his POV several times in the story and I had to edit it so that it felt like Jim was the one speaking... but I think it worked well, so it was still Jim doing the POV'ing, but it was Blair's thoughts. Perfect *g*
Now, I'll admit that though the series is a joy to write, that fic gave me hell... but in the end, I actually wound up writing one of my longest fics! Go figure lol And yeah, the word count surprised me too, believe me lol
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Date: 2005-07-30 11:12 am (UTC)It's often the kids that gave mommy the hardest time during "birthgiving" that turn out to be the best ones when "grown up". ;-)
Actually, I think that's something that happens relatively often: The story that gives the author hell turns out to be the challenge on which the author grows. *g* It's easy to write the stories that simply flow, but managing to - successfully, in the end - write a story that gives you hell at first usually improves an author's skill. :-)
It's like climbing a mountain. You successfully climbed the hill in your neighborhood, than you managed the Zugspitze and now you're eyeing Mt. Everest contemplatively . *g*
PatK
:-)
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